Thursday, 26 July 2012
"She's Lucy, mum."
She whispered "oh" and walked out of the room as she asked me if I wanted to order anything to eat. I answered to her, while still listening to Lucy.
Lucy. She was just Lucy. Even to me.
Friday, 20 July 2012
Last night, I was out with some friends. They haven't seen me in a long long time, but they know the story with F, mainly what happened two or three years ago between us. The moment they saw me, they thought I was sad and they asked me what was on my mind. Nothing, I said, I'm absolutely fine. Honestly, I was. They grabbed my phone while I was texting with F. "Oh god, why the hell are you still talking to him? Why haven't you stopped already? He's the reason you're sad, you're hurting yourself just by speaking to him." I was fine, really. Better than fine. I was feeling great. I was having a fight with him again, and for the first time, I didn't feel bad for yelling at him. I felt great instead. "Seriously, you have to stop doing this. You still like him, that's why you're so awkward when you're talking about him." said M, who used to be my best friend three years ago, but then I went to a different high school and I've seen her less than ten times ever since. I was playing with the pendant I was wearing, moving it around my fingers and neck. That's what she meant by being awkward. I explained that I do that all the time, and I don't like him at all, and she would have known it perhaps if we were still hanging out or talking or whatever. It hurt her, I saw it in her eyes. It was the truth.
At that moment, I ended my friendship, or rather what was left of it, with F. I wished him luck with his life and said goodbye. He was clearly mad at me, and he said I was being unreasonable, but it had to end. Not because my so-called friends told me so, what do they know about this anyway, but because I realised that I felt nothing when talking to him. I let it be till now, being afraid that I might lose him. I thought I was his friend, but he wasn't there for me and it wasn't fair. Now it's different. I'm at peace with my conscience, and everything will be fine. At some point I'll have to do the same thing with my "friends" here, or at least some of them. Three years ago, we had fun, it was great, but I've changed till then and every time we hang out it's disappointing. Don't get me wrong, I love them, I do, but let's stop pretending that we're still friends as before, shall we? Only one or two out of five really cares about me, so why should I act like I'm having fun? Either way, in two months I'm going to move to another country. I may be the shyest person alive, but meeting new people will be exciting. At least I hope so. I'm out.
Written 10/07/12 on another blog that I own, copied here 20/07/12.
Saturday, 16 June 2012
Friday, 15 June 2012
Also, friends seem to be interested in what happened with F. They ask about it, where he's been, if we've talked. And the answer is no, the past two months, since the Easter holidays that is, I haven't heard of him. We went out to the cinema(you already know that of course), I asked sadly "Is this the last time I'll ever see you?", he answered "No, I'm not leaving till September, we'll see each other again till then", I answered "Good, I hope I'm here till then" and I left. And since then I play the apathetic bitch that doesn't give a shit, I haven't called, haven't texted, and he has absolutely disappeared. "Classic F, he's an ass" say my friends. He's probably the reason of my nothingness right now, cause even if he's an ass, I have something to think about. That said, today, I woke up, and saw the "Yo, wassup" classic ass F message. And I switched off my phone cause I didn't know what to do.
Today is graduation day. It's pretty scary because the whole class is going to go to a club afterwards, cause it's our last day with our classmates they say. And I haven't bonded at all with my classmates and I don't like the music clubs have, but I'll probably go and drink and be alone, just for the sake of going out. And that's scaryyy.
Slowdive is a thing I listen to quite a lot right now.
Tim, I know what you mean when you talk about friends' love. But it's not enough at this particular moment. I go out and I don't have as much fun as I used to have, I do it just for the sake of it. The reason of this all is me, obviously, cause if I feel pathetic and miserable and sad I can't go happy and interesting for others to see, so when I talk, I feel like I'm destroying the mood of everyone, the happy atmosphere. And I'm not going to do anything stupid, I promise.
Since school is over, I say "Seize the day!" and go crazy. Yeah right, if that's an option. Look how far I've come: I went out yesterday morning and yesterday afternoon and yesterday evening. I slept at 1am which is supposed to be late. I sat down in the middle of the school yard(is that even what it's called?) when no one else did. I danced while going up the stairs of a big shop. I went to an amusement park with M. I baked muffins. I'm going to Tinos on 25/06 for a week only with M. We're going to watch movies and play sims all week(really seizing the day obviously) and cook food(well that's hardcore). I'm going to see Morrissey live on 16/07. That's it. See? It's what I should normally do, it's not seizing-the-day things. GOD. I hate this.
Anyway. I'm out. I have to study for that art lesson. I'm fine. I'll be fine.
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Have you ever felt that you're losing yourself? Like, seriously, that you don't know who you are anymore and that you don't know why you think about the things you think about and why you say the things you say? That you honestly don't know where you stand and where exactly you wanna be? You possibly have. But that's exactly where I am and it sucks.
Untitled 9 is particularly nice on the other hand. Just saying.
On the past few days, I've been sick, I've been anxious, worried, sick again, I've studied, I've cried, I've tried. And it's been so exhausting. I've watched too much Grey's Anatomy when I should be studying. I've studied when I should be sleeping. I've thought about death and I've wanted to die more times in just one day than I have all my life. The best reason for me not to commit suicide that came up to my mind was that my parents would be devastated -apart from the part that I would probably chicken out. And then mum shouted at me for no reason and that reason, the only reason, was gone. Why did I keep trying? To shut her up. To shut everyone up. To prove that I can do this, that I can do whatever the hell I want, that I can do this for myself. But... seriously? I can't even think of a decent way to die! We live on the sixth floor, the window option seemed extremely appealing, but it wasn't that certain that I would die.
Anyway. Thing is I didn't do it. I forced myself to study and I did pretty well on those exams. Tomorrow it's Physics though, so it's pretty tough. It's almost 10 pm so there's nothing much I can do now right? Fuck. I'll come up with a plan later.
I've watched way too much Grey's Anatomy. I'm almost speaking in medical terms, I've stopped putting my hand in front of the screen every time they get into the O.R. Like every other series or movies or songs, it makes you realise things about your own life, about your friends or about yourself if you just let it. So it does. All the time. And I've realised that I don't wanna be a watcher, I wanna be a doer. I'm not even a watcher, I am nothing. I am the nothing that watches the watcher watching the doer. And that's bad. That's real bad. I wanna do stuff, I wanna say stuff, I can't stand this as it is. But truth is, I can't think of any possible way to change. Maybe that's why I am nothing anyway. Are you a watcher or a doer?
Realising that I may have spent all those years being in love not with an actual person but with the idea that I've created for that person, is scary. It's terrifying. Because I really wanted to be honest, but when you look back from afar, you realise that nothing was the way you thought it was and you think that either you've gone crazy and you don't know what you're talking about, or you actually never knew what was going on. You, or -well- your subconscious, chose to believe what was best for you to believe, and that wasn't really close to the truth. Sad and miserable, I know.
An other question that has risen recently was if I would do all over again what I did before to get close to any guy I'll ever like. No. Definitely no. It's too much of a risk, and it turns out, nothing comes out of it.
Grandma got me this gift, this plant, Schlumbergera truncata as I just now learnt that it's called. Its greek name is Patience. I think it's cute.
I just need something, anything, to change.
I'd like to be the unselfish one, but perhaps I'm the most selfish of them all. And I hate it.
Can this just be over real soon?
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
Αν όλα πάνε καλά, σε 115 μέρες θα φύγω. Δεν ξέρω πλέον γιατί ήθελα τόσο πολύ να φύγω εξ αρχής, αλλά μετά θυμάμαι πως σίγουρα δε θέλω να μείνω. Θέλω απλά να βρεθώ σε ένα μέρος που να μη με ξέρει κανείς, και να στήσω εκεί τη ζωή μου. Μια καινούρια ζωή. Με καινούριους ανθρώπους. Όμως ό,τι ζούμε μας ακολουθεί παντού, σωστά; Και γω εκεί θα είμαι το ίδιο μίζερη και μισάνθρωπη όπως εδώ. Βλακεία. Θέλω να είμαι ο άνθρωπος που έχει διάθεση για ζωή, όχι που φαντάζεται που και που πως θα ήταν ο κόσμος αν είχε πεθάνει. Ή αν δεν είχε γεννηθεί ποτέ, να ξεμπερδεύουμε μια και καλή. Θέλω να μάθω πολλά, να έχω όρεξη να μάθω, να θέλω να ξυπνάω το πρωί και να είμαι χαρούμενη- το ευτυχισμένη φαντάζει βαρύ.
Θέλω αυτές οι 115 μέρες να περάσουν γρήγορα, να μην πάω διακοπές και να μην έχω τίποτα απογοητευτικό να θυμάμαι από το μεγαλύτερο καλοκαίρι της ζωής μου.
Θα 'πρεπε να νυστάζω. Ή να κοιμάμαι.
Monday, 23 April 2012
Things didn't go as bad as planned. His bf and his friend cancelled on us really late, and he still wanted to go to a movie, so Myl Myl came along and everything was great. I‘m surprised at how big my emotional state change was when I found that his friends weren't coming. I went from stressed to excited, from sad to a little less sad. I was obviously incredibly worried about what impression I would make to them, since it was my first time meating them and they were his friends. So when they cancelled i had to worry no more. And it felt good.
I don't want to sound mean but I think it was for the best. We talked a little, I even held his hand at the frightening scenes, and we were like friends again. And when I had finally decided that both my feelings for him AND our friendship were over for good, he just stands there in person and he‘s so nice, even if he did nothing extremely nice in particular. And he turns everything upside down, but in a good way. (I have to say that Myl says he was an asshole the whole time but he wasn't that bad, I guess. Or I was too damn excited to notice.)
The weirdest moment is of course when he comments that I don't come close enough when he says hi because I‘m afraid he's going to kiss me. My social awkwardness is a fact, and what's worse than a kiss on both cheeks. But that's not the case for him, is it? I'm just afraid that if I go close enough, I won't be able to hold back, you know? And I'm not in a position to be able to risk it. And that's exactly what I was thinking throught the movie, as he sat by my side. Am I ever going to be able to risk it? Cause I wanted to kiss him so bad, but there is no more time. (Remember that tiny drunk story? That was the hardest time of all, hands down.)
But then I remember that scene with Maxxie and Sketch from Skins and I feel devastated.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Thursday, 19 April 2012
How much worse can it get?
Oh please. We found the solution! He'll bring that girl from school that also knows about him being gay and accepts him for who he is. (Yes, because you know, I don't accept it, and I'm pretending to be cool about it.) And who knows everything, as you do not forget to point out. Like everything, everything, as you continue pointing out. (Everything more than me right? That's why you're saying like that?) Of course she knows more than you, I see her everyday, I see her at school and me and you haven't talked in ages. (And whose fault was that? Did you ever try to talk to me, and I was not there?) And she'd like to meet you, cause I've told her about you too. Yes, I'd love that, she sounds so lovely and I think I like her already. NO. Just no. Not even in a parallel universe. Why would I want to know her? I'm ok with your bfs and everything, I don't wanna know a random girl that you so openly say you trust more than me, and hang out with her the only night I have off in more than two weeks. Just no.
Of course I said yes at last. And I'm so ashamed of myself for getting into this again. And for writing down, cause it makes me sound like a jealous bitch, but you know what? Maybe I am. I thought our friendship was special, we both had something to look for in each other, we both trusted each other with important things, I honestly wanted to believe I was the one you wanted to talk to when you felt lonely, I thought I was the only one who could see the real you, I thought that you respected me and that you valued our friendship above everything else, I thought that you could see me too for who I am, when you obviously did not. And I'm tired of this, I'm fed up with you and your silly lies and excuses, I just wish you couldn't hurt me you bastard. I may be a selfish bitch, but who are you to hurt me like that.
I wish you had not come back because then at least you wouldn't add one more scar to my life and I would have truly let go.
Thanks for ruining my day and my week and my year and who knows? Maybe my life.
Chemistry exam tomorrow. I mean come on I can do this, I can't screw this up TOO. Right? And here I am, at 19:00, having studied 4hours all day, having watched two and a half movies since morning. I'm lame I know. I mean I want to stop but I've got that urge to be on the internet. Even when my head hurt so much like it was going to explode, even then, I kept being on my computer. What's wrong with me?
Tim I'm so glad you got the letters. I showed your book today to a teacher of mine and I saw the date on it and felt awful. But you got them, so everything's fine. I just hope I'm not writing too much, cause whenever I feel like talking, I write to you. So yeah, that can be a lot. :)
Did I mention he‘s coming back? I did? He is coming back! God. He‘s probably here already but still. And by the way, not picking up the phone is not a good sign.
So to anyone who reads this and talks to me in real life, I'm leaving facebook and every other social networking site until I manage to study. I can't afford failing Panelladikes, not now. So call me or text me if you want to contact me, even though i know you probably won't, because noone talks to me lately either way.
Going to do some homework now. Wish me luck.
Ps. Look at where i was for 3days during the easter holidays. Isn't it just really nice?
Thursday, 5 April 2012
I. Will. Never. See. You. Again.
You didn't even care to let me know. Or was it you on the phone yesterday? Why did you use a fake name?
I would leave soon anyway, and I wanted you to go too, but I just had to know it- you had to give me 10' before you left to prepare myself for this and let go.
Now I realise that I probably misunderstood the fact that you wouldn't talk to me after that fight. You wanted it to be easy, you didn't want anyone to care, and us being close wouldn't allow that. But even like this, you had to let me know.
The past few days I've been meaning to call you. If only I actually had.
I'm still shaking all over. I cried a little. "Girl on the Sporting News" sounds like heaven. I'm going to ask you why.
From now on, for the first time in my life, I really don't know were we stand. We don't exist.
I don't exist.
People seem trivial into a world of nothingness. They keep going on with their lives, I can see them from my window. I feel so much and they feel so little. They don't know.
Today at school we read a poem about someone who would never come back. He had your name, no kidding. How ironic.
Yesterday I admitted I didn't like you anymore that way.
Three days ago, I cut off that wool bracelet I had been wearing for one year and a month, signifying our new friendship. I almost let you go. When you asked I didn't tell you what that bracelet meant. It was wrapped three times around my hand because when I made it, we had been friends again for three months.
I should have known there was something going on.
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Remember how I wanted a penpal? Well, now I have one. And I've been trying to send a letter since, well, January. The thing is, I don't know how many stamps I have to use, so I have to go to the post office and ask, at least for the first letter. Well picture this. The post office is around 30' away from my house if you happen to walk pretty fast. When you get there, all you have to do is take a ticket with a number on it and wait for your turn. I've been there around three times now, and it's a complete disappointment. The minimum estimated waiting time is always around 50'-60' which is a lot. Especially when i have a class to attend afterwards in less than 45'. And that's on Friday, the only day that I actually have some free time during work hours.
Hell. I'm like 3 months late now, well done me.
And as if that wasn't enough just yet, a man working there killed a woman also working there. (Yes as you can see, I know lots about what happened. Yes, I know.) I mean like, while other people where there, working. He just shot her because she dumped him. And he was all like "Let's kill her when I see her at work!" Bollocks.
I was supposed to go try send the letters that day, but thank god I didn't. Who knew. Now mum gets crazy and doesn't let me go there or something. She says I should go buy stamps from somewhere else and put lots of them on the letter, so it won't be less than what it costs, it will be more, but it will be sent.
I don't know.
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Saturday, 3 March 2012
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
Sunday, 19 February 2012
Monday, 13 February 2012
Every time I tried to think what to write in my next post, I always ended up writing something different. I guess I'll just start writing and see how it goes. It's just that, right now, things are weird in every fucking way.
The past few months have been full of surprises for Greece. Not nice ones, I may assure you. Now, when I'm asking mum the classic 'How are you', I almost always get that answer: 'Nobody's fine, didn't you hear the news?'
And that's not the answer I want to get. Our tv is turned on waiting for the big news. Every day is the big day, the day of the important decisions, and the day that it will be decided whether our country will go bankrupt or not. And it's more or less the same for the past few months. We don't know what's going to happen next. I'm not the kind of person that would protest on the street, but I'm not that excited about the latest decisions either. I just want to graduate and go to university. Thing is, we don't even know if Greece will be a thing till then. And if not, I'm not going to graduate. And if I'm not, I'm not going to study in England. Cause if I am going to graduate, I'm going to get those grades even if it's the second toughest thing I'll ever do in my life, and I'm going to England. Aaaah. Please, people, don't destroy my dreams.
On an almost unrelated note, life's been shit in general. The past two weeks have been incredibly difficult for no actual reason, but I think I went through one of the worst emotional breakdowns of the past few months. Even when I manage to calm down at last, there's always a little thing that will randomly pop up and destroy everything. Last week I wrote a 90% in Maths and I was all happy about it, came back home, mum was angry with my brother-i think- and so she yelled at me for absolutely no reason. It wasn't that important as a thing on it's own, but after a shit week and only a moment of happiness...well it ruined everything that day. Moving on from that I managed to calm down again and get through another week, plus to write a 90-95%(as I estimate) on Physics yesterday. You know, I get all happy when I'm doing well in tests and stuff, because I'm not always trying that hard, and I'm not doing proper revision, so it's like a real achievement. Sooo, a-certain-someone-you-know who got to inform me that no, he couldn't go out with me to the cinema, because he was meeting me in the afternoon. Not really though, because, honestly, I was studying at the time,and he just used me as a cover to meet with his boyfriend. I don't think I really care about people lying to their parents that they're going out with me and a friend of mine, because after all that's what friends are for, right? What I do care about, however, is that it's really fucked up not being able to find some time to fit me in their schedule in order to really see me in person every once in a while. If you want a friend as a cover, they have to at least keep in touch with me,you know? Like real friends do? You are fucked up, I'm fucked up, we're all fucking fucked up. Let's just be honest for this once, shall we? Why do you keep doing this to me? Why do I keep staying here doing nothing?
Someone asked me if I still love you. Or,well, they didn't exactly ask, they said more of a 'You still have true feelings for him..." without a question mark. But do I? Really? It's something way deeper than that, and way more different. I've always been confused whether I hated you or loved you. And I... I still am. To be honest though, there was only one person in the world that I wanted to see last night. And that definitely wasn't you.
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
You probably won't notice this unless I tell you,but I've deleted some of my old posts. Mainly meaningless posts, non-reviews that pretended to be reviews, and more importantly, HACHIKO. Yep. Getting more than 2000 views all time on my stats pissed me off, so I decided to finally do this.
On another note, I watched One Day as I have mentioned on my last post if I'm not mistaken, and The tree of life-I bet the whole twitter world is bored listening to me talking endlessly about it- and today I finally watched Crazy, Stupid, Love and Waiting for forever. Yes, you've guessed it right, cross the odd one out. The tree of life. Beautiful yet pointless. Meant to be meaningful but got boring in the process. I can't see how critics can call this a masterpiece for any reason.
The other three, love stories. I'm planning on doing a video movie review for each one of them. Let's just say that I loved One Day and Waiting for forever, except for the ending. Love stories in real llife don't have happy endings. I stopped believing in fairytales a long time ago. Tom Sturridge is like the best man in the world, the best of them all... I've said this again, I'm repeating myself. I know that he's just an actor and that that's not him, and that he's acting and all that, but I'd really like to believe that he's that way himself. After all, understanding how a person feels is much more normal than understanding a fictional character, the hero of a movie. Everything he said in Waiting for forever, every single word of it, spoke straight to my heart. It was like hearing my own thoughts, and reliving things and situations, but oh no she made him promise but then she loved him back. If you haven't seen the movie you won't know what I'm talking about. But love stories don't always end like this.
And then it got me thinking about the good/bad love letters. Have I ever asked anything in return? Maybe I have. I went back to the tefl site, I bet half of you know what I'm saying and half of you don't. But anyway. My account is just not there. Not under my name or any other username I've ever used. Nor my email. Is this for real? What happened? All I wanted was to read my old bad love letters to that person, and perhaps his answers. I thought that I would be able to finally understand why he did what he did, why he said what he said. But now I can't because it's gone,lost forever.
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Remember when i said i didn't care at all? Or something like that anyway? I still kind of dont care, but screw that as a sentence. I guess I kind of still do, otherwise I wouldn't feel a thing when I read that post of yours. You said that love at first sight and over the internet exists. Haven't we talked about this already? I used to believe that as much as you did too. But then you changed your mind as soon as you realised that the person you said you loved for more than 6 months couldn't be there with you,and that there was no point. He sent you a message one day, around a month ago I think, and you said "Well what can I say to him really?" And you left it at that cause you had a boyfriend whom you also said you loved and who probably trully loved you.
So now you say you adore this guy, his lips, his smile, everything about him, and that you knew he was special since you first saw him. I know as much as the whole internet world does, nothing less, nothing more. I saw it by accident, yes, and you could have told me if I had called you, but I didn't, so you didn't. Anyway. That's not my point. I don't know what happened between you and your ex boyfriend(right?you're not cheating on him right?)but still, I just can't get it. You've seen how this kind of relationships is, why do you keep doing that to yourself?
I don't think that what I felt is jealousy, it could be, but it most certainly wasn't. It's just this old feeling of what is left from you in me. To be honest, if I think about it that way, I can't even see why I liked you. I mean, I never found you amazingly beautiful. In theory, perhaps. I didn't found you incredibly funny or kind,either. None of this. Which is weird.
Not talking to you is the best way to distance myself from all this. I don't want to think about you, I want for just this once to think about me. That's one of the reasons I want to live abroad. Getting away from this. Making a new start. It is probably going to help, right?
Reading my old posts feels weird. Obviously I've spent months wrriting about you. Right now, when I listen to sad songs I don't think about a certain person. I can't. I think mostly about hypothetical situations. Like my friend the other day, while watching One Day: "I want this. I want to feel and experience things like this." I don't know how to end this post, because I forgot what I originally wanted to say. Bye I guess. Hope things will get better.
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
Let's just start by saying that it wasn't fair for neither of us. From the moment I said I liked you, I never thought about letting go. Who thinks about that anyway? I loved you with my whole heart, I honestly did. Not from the very beginning, I only liked you back then. And I was in love. And then I started trying more, loving you more.
I don't know what love is, I don't know how it works. The only thing that I'm sure of,is that I never even stood a chance with you. You were never really my friend if you think about it. I never saw you completely the way I pretended to. Perhaps that's what I am, a pretentious human being.
You needed a friend, somebody to trust when noone was there for you, and I needed you. You as in you, in any kind of way. And I liked the fact that you trusted me, it seemed right, and it felt right to be your friend. The friend who knows your big secrets when nobody else does. If you could go back in time and tell my 15-year-old self that there would be a time that you would pick up the phone and call me, or go out with me or even think about me, I wouldn't believe you. Who would have guessed?
And now it's your turn to get mad at me. Cause am a shitty friend for all I know. We haven't spoken for weeks. You told me a thousant times to call you back and I didn't. Sometimes I wanted to, but I didn't. I said I couldn't but I don't know to what extent that's true. I just had other things to do. Studying, going out, watching movies, but not calling you. And I don't even feel bad about it. I feel bad that i don't feel bad about it, though. It's really selfish, isn't it? That makes me both pretentious and selfish. Oh god, what does that even mean? I don't care about anything right now. I want to fall in love again,I need to fall in love again,but I can't. I need to feel alive. I'm afraid of myself. I want this all to be over, without knowing the ending of the story. Do I ask too much?
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Sorry blogger for ignoring you. Also hello new subscriber/commenter/friend! :)
I didn't go to that Maths exam and I hilariously failed at(?) Physics. I had studied though,but that's another thing.
Did I mention we DID start a collab channel? Like,TODAY? We were supposed to start yesterday but oh well,studying got in the way. I chose Tuesday in order to avoid being the one uploading things first and suggesting themes, but seems like I ended up to be exactly that. For now at least. You should go and watch that though, cause I didn't want to make it, but I did, and I tried so hard not to seem TOO bored and tired. We're called CrazyCollaboratory and I guess you can find that through my channel as well. I also ended up saying wrong the only thing that was decided from the start:the order in which we're going to do videos. Which was NOT a good start.
And now I think I've used too many capitals in this post,but not really. I'm out. Probably going to watch a movie if I find a tiny little bit of time.
'Santa' brought me a book about DA VINCI. And it's bloody AMAZING.
Tim I'm incredibly sorry but I still haven't got your book. I don't even know what it's going to be yet,I do have something on my mind though.