Sunday, 21 April 2013
Monday, 30 July 2012
Thursday, 26 July 2012
"She's Lucy, mum."
She whispered "oh" and walked out of the room as she asked me if I wanted to order anything to eat. I answered to her, while still listening to Lucy.
Lucy. She was just Lucy. Even to me.
Friday, 20 July 2012
Last night, I was out with some friends. They haven't seen me in a long long time, but they know the story with F, mainly what happened two or three years ago between us. The moment they saw me, they thought I was sad and they asked me what was on my mind. Nothing, I said, I'm absolutely fine. Honestly, I was. They grabbed my phone while I was texting with F. "Oh god, why the hell are you still talking to him? Why haven't you stopped already? He's the reason you're sad, you're hurting yourself just by speaking to him." I was fine, really. Better than fine. I was feeling great. I was having a fight with him again, and for the first time, I didn't feel bad for yelling at him. I felt great instead. "Seriously, you have to stop doing this. You still like him, that's why you're so awkward when you're talking about him." said M, who used to be my best friend three years ago, but then I went to a different high school and I've seen her less than ten times ever since. I was playing with the pendant I was wearing, moving it around my fingers and neck. That's what she meant by being awkward. I explained that I do that all the time, and I don't like him at all, and she would have known it perhaps if we were still hanging out or talking or whatever. It hurt her, I saw it in her eyes. It was the truth.
At that moment, I ended my friendship, or rather what was left of it, with F. I wished him luck with his life and said goodbye. He was clearly mad at me, and he said I was being unreasonable, but it had to end. Not because my so-called friends told me so, what do they know about this anyway, but because I realised that I felt nothing when talking to him. I let it be till now, being afraid that I might lose him. I thought I was his friend, but he wasn't there for me and it wasn't fair. Now it's different. I'm at peace with my conscience, and everything will be fine. At some point I'll have to do the same thing with my "friends" here, or at least some of them. Three years ago, we had fun, it was great, but I've changed till then and every time we hang out it's disappointing. Don't get me wrong, I love them, I do, but let's stop pretending that we're still friends as before, shall we? Only one or two out of five really cares about me, so why should I act like I'm having fun? Either way, in two months I'm going to move to another country. I may be the shyest person alive, but meeting new people will be exciting. At least I hope so. I'm out.
Written 10/07/12 on another blog that I own, copied here 20/07/12.
Saturday, 16 June 2012
Friday, 15 June 2012
Also, friends seem to be interested in what happened with F. They ask about it, where he's been, if we've talked. And the answer is no, the past two months, since the Easter holidays that is, I haven't heard of him. We went out to the cinema(you already know that of course), I asked sadly "Is this the last time I'll ever see you?", he answered "No, I'm not leaving till September, we'll see each other again till then", I answered "Good, I hope I'm here till then" and I left. And since then I play the apathetic bitch that doesn't give a shit, I haven't called, haven't texted, and he has absolutely disappeared. "Classic F, he's an ass" say my friends. He's probably the reason of my nothingness right now, cause even if he's an ass, I have something to think about. That said, today, I woke up, and saw the "Yo, wassup" classic ass F message. And I switched off my phone cause I didn't know what to do.
Today is graduation day. It's pretty scary because the whole class is going to go to a club afterwards, cause it's our last day with our classmates they say. And I haven't bonded at all with my classmates and I don't like the music clubs have, but I'll probably go and drink and be alone, just for the sake of going out. And that's scaryyy.
Slowdive is a thing I listen to quite a lot right now.
Tim, I know what you mean when you talk about friends' love. But it's not enough at this particular moment. I go out and I don't have as much fun as I used to have, I do it just for the sake of it. The reason of this all is me, obviously, cause if I feel pathetic and miserable and sad I can't go happy and interesting for others to see, so when I talk, I feel like I'm destroying the mood of everyone, the happy atmosphere. And I'm not going to do anything stupid, I promise.
Since school is over, I say "Seize the day!" and go crazy. Yeah right, if that's an option. Look how far I've come: I went out yesterday morning and yesterday afternoon and yesterday evening. I slept at 1am which is supposed to be late. I sat down in the middle of the school yard(is that even what it's called?) when no one else did. I danced while going up the stairs of a big shop. I went to an amusement park with M. I baked muffins. I'm going to Tinos on 25/06 for a week only with M. We're going to watch movies and play sims all week(really seizing the day obviously) and cook food(well that's hardcore). I'm going to see Morrissey live on 16/07. That's it. See? It's what I should normally do, it's not seizing-the-day things. GOD. I hate this.
Anyway. I'm out. I have to study for that art lesson. I'm fine. I'll be fine.
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Have you ever felt that you're losing yourself? Like, seriously, that you don't know who you are anymore and that you don't know why you think about the things you think about and why you say the things you say? That you honestly don't know where you stand and where exactly you wanna be? You possibly have. But that's exactly where I am and it sucks.
Untitled 9 is particularly nice on the other hand. Just saying.
On the past few days, I've been sick, I've been anxious, worried, sick again, I've studied, I've cried, I've tried. And it's been so exhausting. I've watched too much Grey's Anatomy when I should be studying. I've studied when I should be sleeping. I've thought about death and I've wanted to die more times in just one day than I have all my life. The best reason for me not to commit suicide that came up to my mind was that my parents would be devastated -apart from the part that I would probably chicken out. And then mum shouted at me for no reason and that reason, the only reason, was gone. Why did I keep trying? To shut her up. To shut everyone up. To prove that I can do this, that I can do whatever the hell I want, that I can do this for myself. But... seriously? I can't even think of a decent way to die! We live on the sixth floor, the window option seemed extremely appealing, but it wasn't that certain that I would die.
Anyway. Thing is I didn't do it. I forced myself to study and I did pretty well on those exams. Tomorrow it's Physics though, so it's pretty tough. It's almost 10 pm so there's nothing much I can do now right? Fuck. I'll come up with a plan later.
I've watched way too much Grey's Anatomy. I'm almost speaking in medical terms, I've stopped putting my hand in front of the screen every time they get into the O.R. Like every other series or movies or songs, it makes you realise things about your own life, about your friends or about yourself if you just let it. So it does. All the time. And I've realised that I don't wanna be a watcher, I wanna be a doer. I'm not even a watcher, I am nothing. I am the nothing that watches the watcher watching the doer. And that's bad. That's real bad. I wanna do stuff, I wanna say stuff, I can't stand this as it is. But truth is, I can't think of any possible way to change. Maybe that's why I am nothing anyway. Are you a watcher or a doer?
Realising that I may have spent all those years being in love not with an actual person but with the idea that I've created for that person, is scary. It's terrifying. Because I really wanted to be honest, but when you look back from afar, you realise that nothing was the way you thought it was and you think that either you've gone crazy and you don't know what you're talking about, or you actually never knew what was going on. You, or -well- your subconscious, chose to believe what was best for you to believe, and that wasn't really close to the truth. Sad and miserable, I know.
An other question that has risen recently was if I would do all over again what I did before to get close to any guy I'll ever like. No. Definitely no. It's too much of a risk, and it turns out, nothing comes out of it.
Grandma got me this gift, this plant, Schlumbergera truncata as I just now learnt that it's called. Its greek name is Patience. I think it's cute.
I just need something, anything, to change.
I'd like to be the unselfish one, but perhaps I'm the most selfish of them all. And I hate it.
Can this just be over real soon?
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
Αν όλα πάνε καλά, σε 115 μέρες θα φύγω. Δεν ξέρω πλέον γιατί ήθελα τόσο πολύ να φύγω εξ αρχής, αλλά μετά θυμάμαι πως σίγουρα δε θέλω να μείνω. Θέλω απλά να βρεθώ σε ένα μέρος που να μη με ξέρει κανείς, και να στήσω εκεί τη ζωή μου. Μια καινούρια ζωή. Με καινούριους ανθρώπους. Όμως ό,τι ζούμε μας ακολουθεί παντού, σωστά; Και γω εκεί θα είμαι το ίδιο μίζερη και μισάνθρωπη όπως εδώ. Βλακεία. Θέλω να είμαι ο άνθρωπος που έχει διάθεση για ζωή, όχι που φαντάζεται που και που πως θα ήταν ο κόσμος αν είχε πεθάνει. Ή αν δεν είχε γεννηθεί ποτέ, να ξεμπερδεύουμε μια και καλή. Θέλω να μάθω πολλά, να έχω όρεξη να μάθω, να θέλω να ξυπνάω το πρωί και να είμαι χαρούμενη- το ευτυχισμένη φαντάζει βαρύ.
Θέλω αυτές οι 115 μέρες να περάσουν γρήγορα, να μην πάω διακοπές και να μην έχω τίποτα απογοητευτικό να θυμάμαι από το μεγαλύτερο καλοκαίρι της ζωής μου.
Θα 'πρεπε να νυστάζω. Ή να κοιμάμαι.
Monday, 23 April 2012
Things didn't go as bad as planned. His bf and his friend cancelled on us really late, and he still wanted to go to a movie, so Myl Myl came along and everything was great. I‘m surprised at how big my emotional state change was when I found that his friends weren't coming. I went from stressed to excited, from sad to a little less sad. I was obviously incredibly worried about what impression I would make to them, since it was my first time meating them and they were his friends. So when they cancelled i had to worry no more. And it felt good.
I don't want to sound mean but I think it was for the best. We talked a little, I even held his hand at the frightening scenes, and we were like friends again. And when I had finally decided that both my feelings for him AND our friendship were over for good, he just stands there in person and he‘s so nice, even if he did nothing extremely nice in particular. And he turns everything upside down, but in a good way. (I have to say that Myl says he was an asshole the whole time but he wasn't that bad, I guess. Or I was too damn excited to notice.)
The weirdest moment is of course when he comments that I don't come close enough when he says hi because I‘m afraid he's going to kiss me. My social awkwardness is a fact, and what's worse than a kiss on both cheeks. But that's not the case for him, is it? I'm just afraid that if I go close enough, I won't be able to hold back, you know? And I'm not in a position to be able to risk it. And that's exactly what I was thinking throught the movie, as he sat by my side. Am I ever going to be able to risk it? Cause I wanted to kiss him so bad, but there is no more time. (Remember that tiny drunk story? That was the hardest time of all, hands down.)
But then I remember that scene with Maxxie and Sketch from Skins and I feel devastated.