Mum just walked in, listened to the music and asked "Who is that? She has such a beautiful voice..." So I turned to face her and said "Well she sure does. She's just someone I listen to, sometimes". "Doesn't she have a name?" the question came right back at me.
"She's Lucy, mum."
She whispered "oh" and walked out of the room as she asked me if I wanted to order anything to eat. I answered to her, while still listening to Lucy.
"What's up" and other questions of that kind, are not exactly rhetorical. People expect you to answer what you've been up to or something. And it's those questions that are so hard to answer lately. Seriously, everyone I've seen the last week asks me the same damn thing. I've started going for "Well not much. My life is so shitty and miserable that I have absolutely nothing new to say to you." There's been a conversation with a friend of mine where she said things that happened to her and things she wished had happened and she talked about boys that say too much or say too little and generally the bullshit guys or even friends do that can cause your everyday life crisis. And guess what I talked about? What happened half a year ago, or two years ago, or about that guy that I really liked three fucking years ago that I saw on the street and he didn't even recognise me and I was really mad about it. Not mad-MAD, but mad-confused. And anyway, that's pathetic. It's so hard having nothing to say about the past few months of your life because nothing interesting happened. I wished I had at least some silly thing a guy said to me to talk about. Another time, while talking to another friend, I found out that going to the avant premiere of Moonrise Kingdom was the highlight of the week. Scratch that. Of the month.
Also, friends seem to be interested in what happened with F. They ask about it, where he's been, if we've talked. And the answer is no, the past two months, since the Easter holidays that is, I haven't heard of him. We went out to the cinema(you already know that of course), I asked sadly "Is this the last time I'll ever see you?", he answered "No, I'm not leaving till September, we'll see each other again till then", I answered "Good, I hope I'm here till then" and I left. And since then I play the apathetic bitch that doesn't give a shit, I haven't called, haven't texted, and he has absolutely disappeared. "Classic F, he's an ass" say my friends. He's probably the reason of my nothingness right now, cause even if he's an ass, I have something to think about. That said, today, I woke up, and saw the "Yo, wassup" classic ass F message. And I switched off my phone cause I didn't know what to do.
Today is graduation day. It's pretty scary because the whole class is going to go to a club afterwards, cause it's our last day with our classmates they say. And I haven't bonded at all with my classmates and I don't like the music clubs have, but I'll probably go and drink and be alone, just for the sake of going out. And that's scaryyy.
Slowdive is a thing I listen to quite a lot right now.
Tim, I know what you mean when you talk about friends' love. But it's not enough at this particular moment. I go out and I don't have as much fun as I used to have, I do it just for the sake of it. The reason of this all is me, obviously, cause if I feel pathetic and miserable and sad I can't go happy and interesting for others to see, so when I talk, I feel like I'm destroying the mood of everyone, the happy atmosphere. And I'm not going to do anything stupid, I promise.
Since school is over, I say "Seize the day!" and go crazy. Yeah right, if that's an option. Look how far I've come: I went out yesterday morning and yesterday afternoon and yesterday evening. I slept at 1am which is supposed to be late. I sat down in the middle of the school yard(is that even what it's called?) when no one else did. I danced while going up the stairs of a big shop. I went to an amusement park with M. I baked muffins. I'm going to Tinos on 25/06 for a week only with M. We're going to watch movies and play sims all week(really seizing the day obviously) and cook food(well that's hardcore). I'm going to see Morrissey live on 16/07. That's it. See? It's what I should normally do, it's not seizing-the-day things. GOD. I hate this.
Anyway. I'm out. I have to study for that art lesson. I'm fine. I'll be fine.
Down in the park
And the lust of the light
Among the stray dogs and families
I smell the bonfires, and
Watch the bonbs
Fireworks burst above the trees
And to pillows of white cloud, and
Another year has gone
Now it is the fifth of November
I lock the doors and swallow the key
And draw the curtains, closed forever
Forever.
--
So if you don't know Patrick Wolf, you should totally go listen to him. The bluebell. Oh, Patrick. It's been 3 and a half years. I was in love.
Guy Fawkes. Time to re-watch V for Vendetta,right?
In my dream I wrote one hell of a post on here. Too bad I can't remember a word.
It's raining at last. Maybe there is a god that heard me. I love rainy days.
Camera Obscura and Nouvelle Vague sound so nice tonight. My brain is literally melted right now (don't even try to picture this-I don't even know what I'm trying to say).
This week a friend of mine (or something like that) is playing with his band called Liarbirds at s.i.x. dogs. Next week it's Mogwai. Next month it's Yann Tiersen. And I'm running out of money,how am I going to get the tickets? God I'm so excited, and I really, really want to go.
I don't have much to say really. I missed one 3day trip with my class cause I wanted so bad to have these few days off,and I had 'em. Thing is,I got my asthma once again,so I mainly stayed in. I had like SO MANY plans for these two days. However I made it to the cinema-hooray! Watched Hanna and decided from the start that it's one of the best films I have EVER watched. It was SO incredibly great. In every possible way. I can't explain really why I fell so madly in love with it,but I did. And I was not supposed to be talking about this film today,but since I started...
Hanna (Saoirse Ronan) is a teenage girl. Uniquely, she has the strength, the stamina, and the smarts of a soldier; these come from being raised by her father (Eric Bana), an ex-CIA man, in the wilds of Finland. Living a life unlike any other teenager, her upbringing and training have been one and the same, all geared to making her the perfect assassin. The turning point in her adolescence is a sharp one; sent into the world by her father on a mission, Hanna journeys stealthily across Europe while eluding agents dispatched after her by a ruthless intelligence operative with secrets of her own (Cate Blanchett). As she nears her ultimate target, Hanna faces startling revelations about her existence and unexpected questions about her humanity.
Where do I start off? Storyline? Direction? Soundtrack? Screenplay? It just all comes out great. It is beautiful. Can't say it in any other way. You are watching people getting murdered indeed, but the music used for the soundtrack transforms each scene into a masterpiece. I do not exaggerate. But I am getting obsesed over the movie,and the Chemical Brothers-who would have guessed? Their music just fits right. Also wanted to point out that Ronan's performance was absolutely stunning. She acted better than in any other movie.She's great in Atonement,City of ember and Lovely bones,but this one? This is waaay better than any of those.
As I said in the beginning I intended to blog about another movie.So fyi this is #462 but I'll have to come back to #475...
I think that pretty much sums up "me" today. I'm in love with the song. And I'm dancing to it,though I never dance. And I love Claire Danes and Jordan Catalano. I just like how he's always leaning. Against stuff. He leans great. I'll come back to this. Sure I will.
...I have to post this. I've been listening to it for almost an hour! I'd like to consider the guy who wrote it(Poirot) my friend. Well done George:) Things to believe in are hard to find
But I've always had a dream that warmed my mind
Let me tell you - I'll tell you
About my secret future paradise
I'm prepared to take off whatever the price
Start a new life - I want to buy a house in Mexico
I sometimes feel I should just settle down
Forget about my plans and become that clown you all want me to
But this song goes out to the world's bellybutton
I'll soon be coming home with my cat-feather hat on
Receive me - I wanna buy a house in Mexico
Maybe I will hate the weather
But I'm sure I'll stay forever
In the house I'll build with heart and soul
Don't you know - in Mexico
Don't you wear now that face
You don't care and it shows
I'm not even in the first seven things that occupy your sweet mind
I'll go down to a place
That nobody knows
Just to find those special moments of peace and leave all issues behind
Down in Mexico
Things are getting better. And I'm not going to talk about the guy I like for the past two years and who turned out to be gay. See? It's like I never mentioned it. I'm done with crying and all, our friendship is all that matters, innit? I mean I do need this. So, seriously now, being gay is not something anybody should be ashamed of. It's your choice and you have to support it. Which doesn't mean anything like "go ahead and tell everybody you know" but you get me. Plus, parents should respect things like that. They're still their children, they can't just make their lives a living hell. They've got rights. And parents' control should have some limits.
Anyway, I'm like falling in love with two things.My so-called life,this series with Claire Danes and Jared Leto,and Belle & Sebastian. Like that song:
im sick and tired of the way that i feel,
im sick of dreaming and its never for real.
im all alone with my deep thoughts.
im all alone with my heartache and my good intentions.
i work to eat and drink and sleep just to live,
feels like im never getting back what i give.
ive got a sad song in my sweet heart.
and all i really am is needing some love and attention.
and i dont want to cry my whole life through,
i want to do some laughing too.
so come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me.
and i dont want to die without shaking up a thing or two,
yeah, i want to do some dancing too.
so come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me.
sometimes youve just gotta make it for yourself.
sometimes sugar, it just takes someone else.
sometimes youve just gotta make it for yourself.
sometimes baby, you just need someone else.
and i dont want to cry my whole life through
i want to do some laughing too
so come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me.
and i dont want to die without shaking up a thing or two
yeah, i want to do some dancing too
so come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me.
sometimes youve just gotta make it for yourself.
sometimes honey, it just takes someone else.
sometimes youve just gotta make it for yourself.
sometimes darling, you just need someone else.
and i dont want to cry my whole life through
i want to do some laughing too
so come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me.
and i dont want to die without shaking up a thing or two
yeah, i want to do some dancing too
so come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me.
Screw that. Life is shit, for real. Just when you think things have gotten better, life finds the perfect way to trick you again. You might think, it's alright, it's just another trick, just one out of the million, this is only one day out of my whole life. You might not care if your parents tell you that you're criticising them too harsh, but you're not,and they think you are. But there are people who do care. There are people who don't want to add their parents to their pile of miseries, and just want to discuss and not criticise.Cause, really, sometimes you wanna tell them, Hello, there's something bigger going on here, it's not only what you know, and even worse, what you think you know. What's that bigger thing going on? It's not like you have an easy answer for that, even if they ask you. But it's still there.
My brother writes poems. Really beautiful and sad poems, about a girl in his class. Damn,he didn't want to show the poems to us, his family, but he went and gave it to his class and his teachers. He took part in a poem and literature competition or something, without even telling us. Thank lord, my mum has those crazy ideas of messing up with our stuff and a tendency of searching them when we're not around. God knows how much I hate her when she does that. And she worked her magic once again, and found the poem and read it. And all she could say with tears on her eyes was "Could you ever imagine the little one had so much pain in his heart?" And yeah mum i can bloody imagine that. I've fucking been there,you've fucking been there and try to remember that and don't you dare say you have not. It's been three fucking years now I'm hiding that exact same pain. Haven't you noticed? It was only a year ago when you found my blog with my poems and my stories, my heartbroken stuff, and you made me delete it all. I wanna move on, but can't.
