Thursday, 24 May 2012

What if I wanted to break?

First things first. I opened this tab listening to The kill by 30 seconds to mars. Then The model by Belle & Sebastian. And now You always hurt the one you love sang by Ryan Gosling. Oh wait. Now it's Total eclipse of the heart. Why do you do this to me. That's not a normal sequence of songs, even if it's on shuffle right? I've got to stop listening to this. Ok... Joys of losing weight, the untitled series by Zach Condon. There we go. Fine. Everything's fine.

Have you ever felt that you're losing yourself? Like, seriously, that you don't know who you are anymore and that you don't know why you think about the things you think about and why you say the things you say? That you honestly don't know where you stand and where exactly you wanna be? You possibly have. But that's exactly where I am and it sucks.

Untitled 9 is particularly nice on the other hand. Just saying.

On the past few days, I've been sick, I've been anxious, worried, sick again, I've studied, I've cried, I've tried. And it's been so exhausting. I've watched too much Grey's Anatomy when I should be studying. I've studied when I should be sleeping. I've thought about death and I've wanted to die more times in just one day than I have all my life. The best reason for me not to commit suicide that came up to my mind was that my parents would be devastated -apart from the part that I would probably chicken out. And then mum shouted at me for no reason and that reason, the only reason, was gone. Why did I keep trying? To shut her up. To shut everyone up. To prove that I can do this, that I can do whatever the hell I want, that I can do this for myself. But... seriously? I can't even think of a decent way to die! We live on the sixth floor, the window option seemed extremely appealing, but it wasn't that certain that I would die.

Anyway. Thing is I didn't do it. I forced myself to study and I did pretty well on those exams. Tomorrow it's Physics though, so it's pretty tough. It's almost 10 pm so there's nothing much I can do now right? Fuck. I'll come up with a plan later.

I've watched way too much Grey's Anatomy. I'm almost speaking in medical terms, I've stopped putting my hand in front of the screen every time they get into the O.R. Like every other series or movies or songs, it makes you realise things about your own life, about your friends or about yourself if you just let it. So it does. All the time. And I've realised that I don't wanna be a watcher, I wanna be a doer. I'm not even a watcher, I am nothing. I am the nothing that watches the watcher watching the doer. And that's bad. That's real bad. I wanna do stuff, I wanna say stuff, I can't stand this as it is. But truth is, I can't think of any possible way to change. Maybe that's why I am nothing anyway. Are you a watcher or a doer?

Realising that I may have spent all those years being in love not with an actual person but with the idea that I've created for that person, is scary. It's terrifying. Because I really wanted to be honest, but when you look back from afar, you realise that nothing was the way you thought it was and you think that either you've gone crazy and you don't know what you're talking about, or you actually never knew what was going on. You, or -well- your subconscious, chose to believe what was best for you to believe, and that wasn't really close to the truth. Sad and miserable, I know.

An other question that has risen recently was if I would do all over again what I did before to get close to any guy I'll ever like. No. Definitely no. It's too much of a risk, and it turns out, nothing comes out of it.

Grandma got me this gift, this plant, Schlumbergera truncata as I just now learnt that it's called. Its greek name is Patience. I think it's cute.

I just need something, anything, to change.

I'd like to be the unselfish one, but perhaps I'm the most selfish of them all. And I hate it.

Can this just be over real soon?

1 comment:

don't forget to be awesome and leave here a reply.i mean come know you want to. :]