Friday, 20 July 2012

At some point you'll have to move on.

Letting someone go is not the easiest thing to do. But you'll have to do it at some point, one way or another. And when you reach that point, you'll probably realise that you have already let go of the idea of them, because the problems and the fights between you two were so unbearable, and honestly, that wasn't the life you dreamt for yourself.
Last night, I was out with some friends. They haven't seen me in a long long time, but they know the story with F, mainly what happened two or three years ago between us. The moment they saw me, they thought I was sad and they asked me what was on my mind. Nothing, I said, I'm absolutely fine. Honestly, I was. They grabbed my phone while I was texting with F. "Oh god, why the hell are you still talking to him? Why haven't you stopped already? He's the reason you're sad, you're hurting yourself just by speaking to him." I was fine, really. Better than fine. I was feeling great. I was having a fight with him again, and for the first time, I didn't feel bad for yelling at him. I felt great instead. "Seriously, you have to stop doing this. You still like him, that's why you're so awkward when you're talking about him." said M, who used to be my best friend three years ago, but then I went to a different high school and I've seen her less than ten times ever since. I was playing with the pendant I was wearing, moving it around my fingers and neck. That's what she meant by being awkward. I explained that I do that all the time, and I don't like him at all, and she would have known it perhaps if we were still hanging out or talking or whatever. It hurt her, I saw it in her eyes. It was the truth.
At that moment, I ended my friendship, or rather what was left of it, with F. I wished him luck with his life and said goodbye. He was clearly mad at me, and he said I was being unreasonable, but it had to end. Not because my so-called friends told me so, what do they know about this anyway, but because I realised that I felt nothing when talking to him. I let it be till now, being afraid that I might lose him. I thought I was his friend, but he wasn't there for me and it wasn't fair. Now it's different. I'm at peace with my conscience, and everything will be fine. At some point I'll have to do the same thing with my "friends" here, or at least some of them. Three years ago, we had fun, it was great, but I've changed till then and every time we hang out it's disappointing. Don't get me wrong, I love them, I do, but let's stop pretending that we're still friends as before, shall we? Only one or two out of five really cares about me, so why should I act like I'm having fun? Either way, in two months I'm going to move to another country. I may be the shyest person alive, but meeting new people will be exciting. At least I hope so. I'm out.

Written 10/07/12 on another blog that I own, copied here 20/07/12.

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