Friday, 15 June 2012

There's nothing here but thats okay

"What's up" and other questions of that kind, are not exactly rhetorical. People expect you to answer what you've been up to or something. And it's those questions that are so hard to answer lately. Seriously, everyone I've seen the last week asks me the same damn thing. I've started going for "Well not much. My life is so shitty and miserable that I have absolutely nothing new to say to you." There's been a conversation with a friend of mine where she said things that happened to her and things she wished had happened and she talked about boys that say too much or say too little and generally the bullshit guys or even friends do that can cause your everyday life crisis. And guess what I talked about? What happened half a year ago, or two years ago, or about that guy that I really liked three fucking years ago that I saw on the street and he didn't even recognise me and I was really mad about it. Not mad-MAD, but mad-confused. And anyway, that's pathetic. It's so hard having nothing to say about the past few months of your life because nothing interesting happened. I wished I had at least some silly thing a guy said to me to talk about. Another time, while talking to another friend, I found out that going to the avant premiere of Moonrise Kingdom was the highlight of the week. Scratch that. Of the month.
Also, friends seem to be interested in what happened with F. They ask about it, where he's been, if we've talked. And the answer is no, the past two months, since the Easter holidays that is, I haven't heard of him. We went out to the cinema(you already know that of course), I asked sadly "Is this the last time I'll ever see you?", he answered "No, I'm not leaving till September, we'll see each other again till then", I answered "Good, I hope I'm here till then" and I left. And since then I play the apathetic bitch that doesn't give a shit, I haven't called, haven't texted, and he has absolutely disappeared. "Classic F, he's an ass" say my friends. He's probably the reason of my nothingness right now, cause even if he's an ass, I have something to think about. That said, today, I woke up, and saw the "Yo, wassup" classic ass F message. And I switched off my phone cause I didn't know what to do.
Today is graduation day. It's pretty scary because the whole class is going to go to a club afterwards, cause it's our last day with our classmates they say. And I haven't bonded at all with my classmates and I don't like the music clubs have, but I'll probably go and drink and be alone, just for the sake of going out. And that's scaryyy.
Slowdive is a thing I listen to quite a lot right now.
Tim, I know what you mean when you talk about friends' love. But it's not enough at this particular moment. I go out and I don't have as much fun as I used to have, I do it just for the sake of it. The reason of this all is me, obviously, cause if I feel pathetic and miserable and sad I can't go happy and interesting for others to see, so when I talk, I feel like I'm destroying the mood of everyone, the happy atmosphere. And I'm not going to do anything stupid, I promise.
Since school is over, I say "Seize the day!" and go crazy. Yeah right, if that's an option. Look how far I've come: I went out yesterday morning and yesterday afternoon and yesterday evening. I slept at 1am which is supposed to be late. I sat down in the middle of the school yard(is that even what it's called?) when no one else did. I danced while going up the stairs of a big shop. I went to an amusement park with M. I baked muffins. I'm going to Tinos on 25/06 for a week only with M. We're going to watch movies and play sims all week(really seizing the day obviously) and cook food(well that's hardcore). I'm going to see Morrissey live on 16/07. That's it. See? It's what I should normally do, it's not seizing-the-day things. GOD. I hate this.
Anyway. I'm out. I have to study for that art lesson. I'm fine. I'll be fine.


  1. i sat in the middle of the schoolyard with you to give you courage. don't be unfair.


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