At some point you'll have to move on.

Letting someone go is not the easiest thing to do. But you'll have to do it at some point, one way or another. And when you reach that point, you'll probably realise that you have already let go of the idea of them, because the problems and the fights between you two were so unbearable, and honestly, that wasn't the life you dreamt for yourself.
Last night, I was out with some friends. They haven't seen me in a long long time, but they know the story with F, mainly what happened two or three years ago between us. The moment they saw me, they thought I was sad and they asked me what was on my mind. Nothing, I said, I'm absolutely fine. Honestly, I was. They grabbed my phone while I was texting with F. "Oh god, why the hell are you still talking to him? Why haven't you stopped already? He's the reason you're sad, you're hurting yourself just by speaking to him." I was fine, really. Better than fine. I was feeling great. I was having a fight with him again, and for the first time, I didn't feel bad for yelling at him. I felt great instead. "Seriously, you have to stop doing this. You still like him, that's why you're so awkward when you're talking about him." said M, who used to be my best friend three years ago, but then I went to a different high school and I've seen her less than ten times ever since. I was playing with the pendant I was wearing, moving it around my fingers and neck. That's what she meant by being awkward. I explained that I do that all the time, and I don't like him at all, and she would have known it perhaps if we were still hanging out or talking or whatever. It hurt her, I saw it in her eyes. It was the truth.
At that moment, I ended my friendship, or rather what was left of it, with F. I wished him luck with his life and said goodbye. He was clearly mad at me, and he said I was being unreasonable, but it had to end. Not because my so-called friends told me so, what do they know about this anyway, but because I realised that I felt nothing when talking to him. I let it be till now, being afraid that I might lose him. I thought I was his friend, but he wasn't there for me and it wasn't fair. Now it's different. I'm at peace with my conscience, and everything will be fine. At some point I'll have to do the same thing with my "friends" here, or at least some of them. Three years ago, we had fun, it was great, but I've changed till then and every time we hang out it's disappointing. Don't get me wrong, I love them, I do, but let's stop pretending that we're still friends as before, shall we? Only one or two out of five really cares about me, so why should I act like I'm having fun? Either way, in two months I'm going to move to another country. I may be the shyest person alive, but meeting new people will be exciting. At least I hope so. I'm out.

Written 10/07/12 on another blog that I own, copied here 20/07/12.

There's nothing here but thats okay

"What's up" and other questions of that kind, are not exactly rhetorical. People expect you to answer what you've been up to or something. And it's those questions that are so hard to answer lately. Seriously, everyone I've seen the last week asks me the same damn thing. I've started going for "Well not much. My life is so shitty and miserable that I have absolutely nothing new to say to you." There's been a conversation with a friend of mine where she said things that happened to her and things she wished had happened and she talked about boys that say too much or say too little and generally the bullshit guys or even friends do that can cause your everyday life crisis. And guess what I talked about? What happened half a year ago, or two years ago, or about that guy that I really liked three fucking years ago that I saw on the street and he didn't even recognise me and I was really mad about it. Not mad-MAD, but mad-confused. And anyway, that's pathetic. It's so hard having nothing to say about the past few months of your life because nothing interesting happened. I wished I had at least some silly thing a guy said to me to talk about. Another time, while talking to another friend, I found out that going to the avant premiere of Moonrise Kingdom was the highlight of the week. Scratch that. Of the month.
Also, friends seem to be interested in what happened with F. They ask about it, where he's been, if we've talked. And the answer is no, the past two months, since the Easter holidays that is, I haven't heard of him. We went out to the cinema(you already know that of course), I asked sadly "Is this the last time I'll ever see you?", he answered "No, I'm not leaving till September, we'll see each other again till then", I answered "Good, I hope I'm here till then" and I left. And since then I play the apathetic bitch that doesn't give a shit, I haven't called, haven't texted, and he has absolutely disappeared. "Classic F, he's an ass" say my friends. He's probably the reason of my nothingness right now, cause even if he's an ass, I have something to think about. That said, today, I woke up, and saw the "Yo, wassup" classic ass F message. And I switched off my phone cause I didn't know what to do.
Today is graduation day. It's pretty scary because the whole class is going to go to a club afterwards, cause it's our last day with our classmates they say. And I haven't bonded at all with my classmates and I don't like the music clubs have, but I'll probably go and drink and be alone, just for the sake of going out. And that's scaryyy.
Slowdive is a thing I listen to quite a lot right now.
Tim, I know what you mean when you talk about friends' love. But it's not enough at this particular moment. I go out and I don't have as much fun as I used to have, I do it just for the sake of it. The reason of this all is me, obviously, cause if I feel pathetic and miserable and sad I can't go happy and interesting for others to see, so when I talk, I feel like I'm destroying the mood of everyone, the happy atmosphere. And I'm not going to do anything stupid, I promise.
Since school is over, I say "Seize the day!" and go crazy. Yeah right, if that's an option. Look how far I've come: I went out yesterday morning and yesterday afternoon and yesterday evening. I slept at 1am which is supposed to be late. I sat down in the middle of the school yard(is that even what it's called?) when no one else did. I danced while going up the stairs of a big shop. I went to an amusement park with M. I baked muffins. I'm going to Tinos on 25/06 for a week only with M. We're going to watch movies and play sims all week(really seizing the day obviously) and cook food(well that's hardcore). I'm going to see Morrissey live on 16/07. That's it. See? It's what I should normally do, it's not seizing-the-day things. GOD. I hate this.
Anyway. I'm out. I have to study for that art lesson. I'm fine. I'll be fine.

YOU

Screw that. You know what's even more disappointing than not picking up the phone? Picking it up. Cause out of nowhere, you end up hearing things you wish you had not. You said you weren't coming back, and since it was a lie, I asked you why and I expected a satisfying answer. You said you were bored. Bored of what? Of talking to me? Of your life? Bored of what? You said you wanted to get on my nerves, to have a laugh. Have a laugh at me? I explained again how much it broke my heart hearing that you left and that you were not coming back. It's not something to make fun of, it's so important to me. I asked you to at least pretend that you're happy to hear me, and the only thing you had to say was what? That I knew you weren't sentimental on that kind of subjects. Oh come on! Spare me the details I know. I'm not the kind of girl that says one thing and means another, I said it right there and then, that I wanted you to just say that you were that tiny bit happier than before that you were talking to me. We haven't spoken in such a long time and -bear with me here- I was such a good friend to you; I can't imagine anything more I could have done to either be there for you or to help you, it was always about you you know, I'm asking you to show some gratitude, just for once, because I deserve at least, and it's the only thing I'm sure of right now. And then what? You said you're not talking much on the phone, you prefer to talk in person. (Well,this is a new one, careful how to use it.) I asked you to hang out with me (not as in go out with me but you know, catch a movie, talk a bit) and you asked if we were going to be alone? Of course we're going to be alone, I haven't seen you in months, we've fought a lot, I can't bring you to my friends as a friend anymore, I don't even know how to talk to you anymore. Are you afraid of me? What can I do to you? We're not even talking when we're with my friends anyway! I'm not talking with my friends about "their stuff" cause it's their stuff, and we're not talking about "your stuff" cause a)it's your stuff b)you've complained millions of times how you're not a talky person when you go out. So that leaves me with no options. You don't talk to me on the phone. You don't wanna go out with me alone. You can't talk to me in front of my friends. We're never going out with your friends. When we do, we go out with your boyfriends, so we don't talk then either. You said last time we went out we talked. And yes, before or after your boyfriend left? Oh yes after. Let me see... we talked about going to Canada, and we talked about wanting to be pilot, and we talked about how I'm going to build your house when I become an architect. Oops, sorry, does that count? Because that was when I was babbling alone when you were talking with your boyfriend(ten minutes after he left) about what he's going to wear for that party he was going to. Yes he was just the sweetest person in the world, I know. And yes I have a pretty good memory cause that was around Christmas. I know, you don't remember a thing, right? Yeeeah.
How much worse can it get?
Oh please. We found the solution! He'll bring that girl from school that also knows about him being gay and accepts him for who he is. (Yes, because you know, I don't accept it, and I'm pretending to be cool about it.) And who knows everything, as you do not forget to point out. Like everything, everything, as you continue pointing out. (Everything more than me right? That's why you're saying like that?) Of course she knows more than you, I see her everyday, I see her at school and me and you haven't talked in ages. (And whose fault was that? Did you ever try to talk to me, and I was not there?) And she'd like to meet you, cause I've told her about you too. Yes, I'd love that, she sounds so lovely and I think I like her already. NO. Just no. Not even in a parallel universe. Why would I want to know her? I'm ok with your bfs and everything, I don't wanna know a random girl that you so openly say you trust more than me, and hang out with her the only night I have off in more than two weeks. Just no.
Of course I said yes at last. And I'm so ashamed of myself for getting into this again. And for writing down, cause it makes me sound like a jealous bitch, but you know what? Maybe I am. I thought our friendship was special, we both had something to look for in each other, we both trusted each other with important things, I honestly wanted to believe I was the one you wanted to talk to when you felt lonely, I thought I was the only one who could see the real you, I thought that you respected me and that you valued our friendship above everything else, I thought that you could see me too for who I am, when you obviously did not. And I'm tired of this, I'm fed up with you and your silly lies and excuses, I just wish you couldn't hurt me you bastard. I may be a selfish bitch, but who are you to hurt me like that.
I wish you had not come back because then at least you wouldn't add one more scar to my life and I would have truly let go.
Thanks for ruining my day and my week and my year and who knows? Maybe my life.

EXTREMELY DEPRESSED

05/04/12

I will never see you again.

I. Will. Never. See. You. Again.

You didn't even care to let me know. Or was it you on the phone yesterday? Why did you use a fake name?

I would leave soon anyway, and I wanted you to go too, but I just had to know it- you had to give me 10' before you left to prepare myself for this and let go.

Now I realise that I probably misunderstood the fact that you wouldn't talk to me after that fight. You wanted it to be easy, you didn't want anyone to care, and us being close wouldn't allow that. But even like this, you had to let me know.

The past few days I've been meaning to call you. If only I actually had.

I'm still shaking all over. I cried a little. "Girl on the Sporting News" sounds like heaven. I'm going to ask you why.

From now on, for the first time in my life, I really don't know were we stand. We don't exist.

I don't exist.

People seem trivial into a world of nothingness. They keep going on with their lives, I can see them from my window. I feel so much and they feel so little. They don't know.

Today at school we read a poem about someone who would never come back. He had your name, no kidding. How ironic.

Yesterday I admitted I didn't like you anymore that way.

Three days ago, I cut off that wool bracelet I had been wearing for one year and a month, signifying our new friendship. I almost let you go. When you asked I didn't tell you what that bracelet meant. It was wrapped three times around my hand because when I made it, we had been friends again for three months.

I should have known there was something going on.

MEDIOCRE

OPTIMISTIC, BUT REALISTIC

EXTREMELY DEPRESSED

INCREDIBLY ALONE

Και άμα μου το πεις θα είναι ήδη αργά.

Ξέρω γω; Να μου πεις "σόρρυ ρε συ, δεν ήθελα να στενοχωρηθείς και να μαλώσουμε, θα σε βγάλω για μπύρα σε παγκάκι".

Μου είπε η Μ. αν του το πω αυτό θα παραδοθώ εντελώς, και είπα πως δεν καταλαβαίνω. Τι σημαίνει αλήθεια αυτό; Νομίζω κατάλαβα, αλλά και πάλι, έχω παραδοθεί-δοθεί ολοκληρωτικά θα έλεγα εγώ-εδώ και καιρό. Από την πρώτη στιγμή που σε ξαναείδα ίσως. Ήταν λίγο σαν μια σιωπηλή υπόσχεση ότι δεν είμαι μόνη μου και πως με χρειάζεσαι και συ, και όχι μόνο εγώ εσένα. Και να σου πω κάτι; Είσαι ο μόνος άνθρωπος που του χω δώσει το δικαίωμα να με επηρεάζει τόσο πολύ, και έγινε χωρίς σκέψη αλλά κατ' επιλογήν.

Σε ξέρω καθόλου άραγε; Θέλω να πιστεύω πως σε ξέρω, πως ξέρω όλα όσα δεν ξέρουν οι άλλοι, πως ξέρω ότι είσαι και συ άνθρωπος και έχεις συναισθήματα ενώ κανένας δε θα μπορούσε να το φανταστεί. Κι όμως, παίζει να μη σε ξέρω ούτε στο ελάχιστο. Δεν μου χεις πει τίποτα ουσιαστικό και σημαντικό κοιτάζοντάς με, ώστε να βλέπω πως το εννοείς και το αισθάνεσαι και δε με δουλεύεις. Γιατί πολύ απλά όταν είσαι μαζί μου από τη μία ξαφνικά "δε μιλάς πολύ όταν είσαι έξω¨ και από την άλλη θυμάσαι όλους τους άλλους σου φίλους σου στα τηλέφωνα. Παράπονο το 'χω.

Εσύ με ξέρεις; Υπό φυσιολογικές συνθήκες(αφήνω περιθώριο να ορίσεις μόνος σου την "φυσιολογικότητα" του πράγματος) θα 'πρεπε να με ξέρεις πιο καλά από οποιονδήποτε άλλο, δε σου χω κρύψει ποτέ τίποτα, μία σου λέξη φτάνει για να με κάνει από σκατά χαρούμενη, και άλλη μια και είμαι πάλι πίσω. Και είναι τραγικό αυτό, να το ξέρεις, και δε το κάνει κανένας άλλος αυτό. Σου λέω πες μου εντάξει κοριτσάκι, και γω θα κάνω μια να! και θα τα ξεχάσω όλα στ' ορκίζομαι. Και δε το θεωρώ αδυναμία μου το όλο θέμα, απλά κάτι που υπάρχει, και ισχύει, και σκοπεύει να μείνει, παρά τους όρκους και τις υποσχέσεις να μη σου μιλάω και να μη γράφω για 'σένα. Μα στο κάτω κάτω γράφω σε 'σένα, μόνο που δε στα στέλνω εγώ η ίδια ζητώντας σου να τα δεις και να με προσέξεις. Έχει κι ένα ρίσκο τουλάχιστον, ανά πάσα στιγμή μπορείς να τα δεις. Όμως, ποιον δουλεύω; Κάτι τέτοιο δεν πρόκειται να γίνει, γιατί και να μπεις θα βαριέσαι να το διαβάσεις. Καλά να πάθεις λοιπόν.

Δεν είμαι ερωτευμένη μαζί σου. Ούτε καν μου αρέσεις. Για να είμαι ειλικρινής, δε μπορώ πλέον να ξεχωρίσω αν μου άρεσες ποτέ εσύ ή η ιδέα σου. Όχι η ιδέα του ανέφικτου, απλά η ιδέα του Φ., και όπου Φ. ότι έχω συνδέσει με σένα. Να φανταστείς, προσπαθώ να φέρω στο κεφάλι μου την είκονα σου από την τελευταία φορά που σε είδα. Δε σε θυμάμαι. Σε θυμάμαι πολύ λιγο από τα γενέθλιά μου, τι ωραία βραδιά εκείνη(ναι, έγινε αυτόματα καλύτερη όταν ήρθες εσύ εκεί). Το μόνο που έχει ο εγκέφαλός μου καταχωρημένο στο Φ. αυτή τη στιγμή, είναι καναδυό παλιές φωτογραφίες σου από το φουμπου. Τόσο καιρό έχω να σε δω και τόσο ελάχιστα μ'αρέσεις. Είσαι ο φίλος μου, σε παρακαλώ μείνε ο φίλος μου, ακόμη και αν ποτέ δε σε είχα πραγματικά. Σε παρακαλώ.

Είμαι ρομαντικό τυπάκι απ'ότι φαίνεται γενικά. Ξες τώρα, μπυρίτσες, παγκάκι, τέτοια φάση, βολεύομαι. Μα γιατί να χρειάζεται κανείς οτιδήποτε άλλο, ειδικά όταν έχει μπροστά του ότι έχει θελήσει πιο πολύ στη ζωή του; Αλλά ακόμη κι αν με ρώτησες τι ήθελα να μου πεις, δε θα μου το πεις γιατί ήταν ρητορική ερώτηση. Και άμα μου το πεις θα είναι ήδη αργά.

Όταν το τέλος είναι κοντά...

Πρέπει κάποια στιγμή να καθήσω και να τα γράψω λίγο μαζεμένα και να τα πω μια κι έξω και να τελειώνουμε. Και ίσως έτσι να κλείσει αυτό το θέμα και να το ξεχάσω και γω και συ μαζί, και όλοι όσοι μας γνώρισαν, και να μην ξαναμιλήσει γι’ αυτό κανένας άλλος πια. Γιατί εμάς τέτοιο πράγμα δεν αξίζει να μας συμβεί, και δεν είναι το τέλος που περίμενα.

Σε γνώρισα όταν ήμουν δεκατεσσάρων –ψέματα, ούτε δεκατεσσάρων καλά καλά δεν ήμουν. Εγώ, που λες, εκείνο τον καιρό ούτε σεξουαλικές ανησυχίες είχα, ούτε είχα ερωτευτεί και ποτέ μου κανονικά κανονικά. Χέστηκα, κοινώς, για όλα αυτά, ζευγαράκια από τότε και μαλακίες, αυτός γουστάρει την τάδε, αυτή όμως γουστάρει τον δείνα. Στο δικό μου το κεφάλι είμασταν όλοι ακόμα παιδιά, ακούγαμε τη μουσική που όλοι ακουγαν, παίζαμε ποδόσφαιρο και πλακωνόμασταν και κάναμε βλακείες. Και ευτυχώς κάπως έτσι το ‘βλεπες και συ. Τι ευτυχώς, τρομάρα μου, ποτέ δεν έβαλες μυαλό εσύ γλυκό μου. Οι ατυχείς συγκυρίες μας οδήγησαν ταυτόχρονα και τους δύο να γνωριστούμε σ’ αυτήν την Κωλοαγγλία(με το κ κεφαλαίο και όχι το α). Και μου τη σβούρηξε εμένα και ερωτεύτηκα, όχι εσένα, εσένα δε σ’ έβλεπα, τον άλλο, τον Άγγλο, τον ωραίο. Και να, πως να το κάνουμε, από την μία Άγγλος, από την άλλη μεγάλος(όχι πολύ,μη φανταστείς), και στην τελική και καθηγητής. Σιγά, λεπτομέρειες. Πάντα με κορόιδευες γι’αυτό, ποτέ δεν κατάλαβα γιατί. Ήταν ο πρώτος μεγάλος και κανονικός μου έρωτας και ήταν ιδιαίτερα ξεχωριστός και ίσως περισσότερο εντυπωσιακός από τον έρωτα μου για σένα αν θες να ξέρεις.

Εσύ που λες, όσο είμασταν εκεί, με έκανες παρέα και έκανες τα πάντα για να με ξεφτυλίσεις στα μάτια του Μεγάλου Έρωτα. Και χαζογελούσες και με πείραζες και ήσουν ο μόνος άνθρωπος που κατάφερε να με γαργαλήσει ποτέ. Και όταν μια μέρα ξύπνησα και κατάλαβα πως μάλλον σε είχα ερωτευτεί, όλες οι φίλες που είχαν ακούσει την ιστορία της Αγγλίας(με εμένα να λέω όλη την ιστορία μεν, να επικεντρώνομαι στον καθηγητή δε) αποφάσισαν πως αν το εξετάσουμε πιο προσεκτικά, μάλλον σου άρεσα και γω. Και μπορεί να μη σε είχα δει για πολλούς μήνες, αλλά σου μιλούσα και μου μιλούσες, και ήσουν πάντα απαίσιος και κακός μαζί μου, αλλά εμένα μου άρεσες και μου άρεσες ακριβώς έτσι όπως ήσουν. Δε σκέφτηκα ποτέ να σε αλλάξω, αν και πάω στοίχημα πως γι’αυτό με φοβόσουν. Και όταν στο είπα πως μου άρεσες για να είμαι εντάξει απέναντι σου, μου ‘δωσες μια τόσο απαίσια απάντηση. Πως και καλά είμαι μία από τις πολλές που σε γουστάρουν, και πως το ‘ξερες, λέει, πως μου άρεσες και δε σ’ένοιαζε. Βλακείες. Δεν ήξερες τίποτα, γιατί δεν ίσχυε τίποτα πριν στο πω. Τι ήθελες και μου πες τέτοια κούβεντα; Και όποιος με ήξερε και ήξερε για σένα έπρεπε να με σταματήσει από τότε. Δε βαρέθηκες ποτέ να είσαι τόσο μαλάκας, ε;

Φοβήθηκες μετά απ’ αυτό και ξέκοψες, ένας θεός ξέρει τι φοβήθηκες ακριβώς. Το ότι σε ήθελα και θα συνέχιζα να σε θέλω ό,τι και αν μου ‘λεγες ίσως. Ακριβως επειδή ποτέ δε θα ‘λεγες το σωστό πράγμα... Γύρισες βρε αθεόφοβο και μου πες με μεγαλοπρεπές ύφος πως «Θα μπορούσαμε να χαρακτήριστουμε φίλοι αφού γνωριζόμαστε εδώ και λίγο καιρό, αλλά...» και ποτέ μα ποτέ δεν τέλειωσες την προτασή σου. Αργότερα είπες πως σε πέτυχα στη φάση που συνειδητοποιούσες τι ήθελες και πως δεν ήσουν και πολύ στα καλά σου. Δε διαφωνώ. Προσπάθησες να με τρομάξεις, αλλά δε με τρόμαξες και το ξέρεις. Ποτέ δε θα καταφέρεις να με τρομάξεις αρκετά και να με κάνεις να φύγω επειδή το επέλεξες εσύ να φύγω. Και αν πάει τώρα να γίνει κάτι τέτοιο, θα γίνει γιατί εγώ το διάλεξα.

Έπειτα ξαναβρεθήκαμε κάποια στιγμή, και είπαμε να ξαναπροσπαθήσουμε να είμαστε φίλοι. Ακόμα μου άρεσες, ή για την ακρίβεια ξανάρχισες να μου αρέσεις. Είχε γίνει τόσο πολύ αυτό που ένιωθα για σένα μετά, ύστερα από τόσο κόπο να απομακρυνθώ από σένα. Μου είπες το Μεγάλο Μυστικό και με φόρτωσες με ένα ακόμη βάρος. Γιατί σε μένα; (Και πάλι αργότερα είπες πως το ‘κανες για να φύγω,να σε ξεπεράσω και να φύγω. Αλλά δεν έφυγα.) Σου είπα πράγματα που δε τα ‘χα πει σε κανέναν άλλο, δε θα μπορούσα δηλαδή ποτέ, νομίζεις αγάπησα κανέναν άλλον εγώ τόσο πολύ στη ζωή μου; Ό,τι και να μου ‘λεγες, εγώ σου ‘λεγα πως σ’αγαπούσα. Για τον Τ. που ήταν ωραίος μου ‘λεγες και πως δεν αντέχεις άλλο μακριά του και γω αντίστοιχα απαντούσα πως δεν αντέχω άλλο μακριά σου. Μου ‘λεγες για αποστάσεις και βλακείες, όταν εμείς, στην ίδια πόλη, τρία χρόνια δεν είχαμε καταφέρει να βρεθούμε ούτε μισή φορά. Και μετά ήρθε και ο Β. και ο Μ. και γω δεν ξέρω ποιος άλλος, και για όλους είπες πως σε πλήγωσαν αλλά εσύ εκεί. Και την ίδια στιγμή υπήρχε μια ψυχή που σε ήθελε σαν τρελή και που σ’αγαπούσε πιο πολύ κι απ’τον εαυτό της ακόμα, και συ δεν άκουγες καν.

Ξέρεις πόσο μικρή και μίζερη ήταν η ζωή μου τότε; Όλη κι όλη περιοριζόταν στην ελπίδα πως θα σε ξαναδώ από κοντά και στην αναμονή μέχρι εκείνη τη μοιραία στιγμή που θα σ’έβλεπα και δε θα μπορούσα να σε αγγίξω καν, γιατί δε θα ένιωθες τίποτα. Και γω απλά θα συνέχιζα να πονάω μέσα μου και συ δε θα ερχόσουν ποτέ να μου τραγουδήσεις μεταξύ σοβαρού και αστείου το You always hurt the ones you love. Δεν πειράζει, έλεγα, και μου το τραγουδούσα μόνη μου, ότι και καλά μου το ‘λεγες εσύ και δε το ‘ξερες. Έκανα κάτι τέτοια, τόσο πολύ σε ήθελα. Και δεύτερο πολυτραγουδημένο άσμα μου έγινε αυτό που έλεγε «And I know a man, and I think he’s beautiful, and I love him, although he doesn’t know, oh I wish that he was mine.» και γενικά έζησα το δράμα της ζωής μου με σένα μικρό μου τέρας. Και υποσχέθηκα και σε σένα και σε μένα μαζί πως δε θα σ’αφήσω ποτέ, πως θα είμαι πραγματική σου φίλη, πως θα αντέξω ό,τι και αν κάνεις, ό,τι και αν μου κάνεις. Η αγάπη σε κάνει να αντέχεις σωστά; Και όλοι να έχουν κολλήσει και να μου λένε πως αγαπάω τον λάθος άνθρωπο.

Δεν ζήλεψα ποτέ τα αγόρια σου, κανέναν από αυτούς. Ούτε το ότι σε φιλούσαν, ούτε το ότι σου μιλούσαν και τους άκουγες στα αλήθεια, ούτε το ότι μπορούσαν να σου πουν κάτι και να σε στενοχωρήσουν, να σε κάνουν να νοιαστείς λίγο. Τίποτα. Αν όμως τόλμαγες και έπιανες το χέρι ενός απο αυτούς, εκεί, μπροστά μου, θα λιποθύμαγα στ’ ορκίζομαι. Δε με πείραζε να κάνεις οτιδήποτε δεν περιείχε συναισθηματισμό από μέρους σου, όμως το χέρι σημαίνει πως νοιάζεσαι πραγματικά και είσαι ερωτευμένος και τέτοια, και όσο και αν το ‘θελα αυτό για σένα ως φίλη σου, δε θ’άντεχα να το δω. Σ’αγαπούσα τόσο γαμώτο μου. Τόσο πραγματικά πολύ. Πόσες φορές είναι τώρα που έχω προσπαθήσει να μη σε παίρνω τηλέφωνο για να σε ξεχάσω; Έχω κάνει το The last goodbye δεύτερη φύση μου προσπαθώντας να το πιστέψω, το ξέρεις; Που να το ξέρεις καλό μου, εσύ δεν ξέρεις τίποτα, και ό,τι ξέρεις δε το ‘πες ποτέ σε κανέναν.

Μου κάνεις κακό, συνέχισαν να επιμένουν φίλοι και γνωστοί, χωρίς να έχουν δει τίποτα στην ουσία. Που και να ‘ξεραν. Και ήρθες, που λες, τη μέρα που είχαμε βγει για να περάσουμε καλά, και τα κατέστρεψες όλα. Αύτο σου πήρε όλο κ όλο. Ένα μήνυμα με πέντε λέξεις. Είπαμε φίλη σου, είπαμε αντέχω, αλλά μη δοκιμάζεις να δεις αν πέφτει αυτό το πράγμα που είχαμε και το λέγαμε φιλία και κρατιόταν από μια κλωστή, σε παρακαλώ. Είναι κάποια όρια, που νόμιζα θα πρόσεχες να μην ξεπερνάς, αλλά για δες που έγινε κ αυτό. Ακόμα σε αγαπούσα ρε βλάκα, τι νόμιζες. Δεν περνάνε αυτά απ’ότι φαίνεται, ούτε από τη μία στιγμή στην άλλη, ούτε μετά από χρόνια προφανώς. Τουλάχιστον τώρα που δε μιλάμε και δε θα μιλήσουμε ποτέ,που θα σ’αγαπάω μόνη μου και δε θα στο λέω, τι διάολο, θα μου περάσει. Δε γίνεται να σ’αγαπάω επ’άπειρον, θα είναι ότι πιο άδοξο και τραγικά ειρωνικό έχει γίνει ποτέ. Και κάποια στιγμή σου εύχομαι να αγαπήσεις αληθινά και να με καταλάβεις, γιατί δεν είναι απλό το να αγαπάς, και πονάει, όμως νοιώθεις πολλά και ότι υπήρχε πριν σου φαίνεται μικρό και ασήμαντο.

Σ’αγαπάω.

Problems: Greece and other stuff.

Every time I tried to think what to write in my next post, I always ended up writing something different. I guess I'll just start writing and see how it goes. It's just that, right now, things are weird in every fucking way.
The past few months have been full of surprises for Greece. Not nice ones, I may assure you. Now, when I'm asking mum the classic 'How are you', I almost always get that answer: 'Nobody's fine, didn't you hear the news?'
And that's not the answer I want to get. Our tv is turned on waiting for the big news. Every day is the big day, the day of the important decisions, and the day that it will be decided whether our country will go bankrupt or not. And it's more or less the same for the past few months. We don't know what's going to happen next. I'm not the kind of person that would protest on the street, but I'm not that excited about the latest decisions either. I just want to graduate and go to university. Thing is, we don't even know if Greece will be a thing till then. And if not, I'm not going to graduate. And if I'm not, I'm not going to study in England. Cause if I am going to graduate, I'm going to get those grades even if it's the second toughest thing I'll ever do in my life, and I'm going to England. Aaaah. Please, people, don't destroy my dreams.

On an almost unrelated note, life's been shit in general. The past two weeks have been incredibly difficult for no actual reason, but I think I went through one of the worst emotional breakdowns of the past few months. Even when I manage to calm down at last, there's always a little thing that will randomly pop up and destroy everything. Last week I wrote a 90% in Maths and I was all happy about it, came back home, mum was angry with my brother-i think- and so she yelled at me for absolutely no reason. It wasn't that important as a thing on it's own, but after a shit week and only a moment of happiness...well it ruined everything that day. Moving on from that I managed to calm down again and get through another week, plus to write a 90-95%(as I estimate) on Physics yesterday. You know, I get all happy when I'm doing well in tests and stuff, because I'm not always trying that hard, and I'm not doing proper revision, so it's like a real achievement. Sooo, a-certain-someone-you-know who got to inform me that no, he couldn't go out with me to the cinema, because he was meeting me in the afternoon. Not really though, because, honestly, I was studying at the time,and he just used me as a cover to meet with his boyfriend. I don't think I really care about people lying to their parents that they're going out with me and a friend of mine, because after all that's what friends are for, right? What I do care about, however, is that it's really fucked up not being able to find some time to fit me in their schedule in order to really see me in person every once in a while. If you want a friend as a cover, they have to at least keep in touch with me,you know? Like real friends do? You are fucked up, I'm fucked up, we're all fucking fucked up. Let's just be honest for this once, shall we? Why do you keep doing this to me? Why do I keep staying here doing nothing?
Someone asked me if I still love you. Or,well, they didn't exactly ask, they said more of a 'You still have true feelings for him..." without a question mark. But do I? Really? It's something way deeper than that, and way more different. I've always been confused whether I hated you or loved you. And I... I still am. To be honest though, there was only one person in the world that I wanted to see last night. And that definitely wasn't you.

Forgetting how to love

Remember when i said i didn't care at all? Or something like that anyway? I still kind of dont care, but screw that as a sentence. I guess I kind of still do, otherwise I wouldn't feel a thing when I read that post of yours. You said that love at first sight and over the internet exists. Haven't we talked about this already? I used to believe that as much as you did too. But then you changed your mind as soon as you realised that the person you said you loved for more than 6 months couldn't be there with you,and that there was no point. He sent you a message one day, around a month ago I think, and you said "Well what can I say to him really?" And you left it at that cause you had a boyfriend whom you also said you loved and who probably trully loved you.
So now you say you adore this guy, his lips, his smile, everything about him, and that you knew he was special since you first saw him. I know as much as the whole internet world does, nothing less, nothing more. I saw it by accident, yes, and you could have told me if I had called you, but I didn't, so you didn't. Anyway. That's not my point. I don't know what happened between you and your ex boyfriend(right?you're not cheating on him right?)but still, I just can't get it. You've seen how this kind of relationships is, why do you keep doing that to yourself?
I don't think that what I felt is jealousy, it could be, but it most certainly wasn't. It's just this old feeling of what is left from you in me. To be honest, if I think about it that way, I can't even see why I liked you. I mean, I never found you amazingly beautiful. In theory, perhaps. I didn't found you incredibly funny or kind,either. None of this. Which is weird.
Not talking to you is the best way to distance myself from all this. I don't want to think about you, I want for just this once to think about me. That's one of the reasons I want to live abroad. Getting away from this. Making a new start. It is probably going to help, right?
Reading my old posts feels weird. Obviously I've spent months wrriting about you. Right now, when I listen to sad songs I don't think about a certain person. I can't. I think mostly about hypothetical situations. Like my friend the other day, while watching One Day: "I want this. I want to feel and experience things like this." I don't know how to end this post, because I forgot what I originally wanted to say. Bye I guess. Hope things will get better.

Prrrretty profound

Let's just start by saying that it wasn't fair for neither of us. From the moment I said I liked you, I never thought about letting go. Who thinks about that anyway? I loved you with my whole heart, I honestly did. Not from the very beginning, I only liked you back then. And I was in love. And then I started trying more, loving you more.
I don't know what love is, I don't know how it works. The only thing that I'm sure of,is that I never even stood a chance with you. You were never really my friend if you think about it. I never saw you completely the way I pretended to. Perhaps that's what I am, a pretentious human being.
You needed a friend, somebody to trust when noone was there for you, and I needed you. You as in you, in any kind of way. And I liked the fact that you trusted me, it seemed right, and it felt right to be your friend. The friend who knows your big secrets when nobody else does. If you could go back in time and tell my 15-year-old self that there would be a time that you would pick up the phone and call me, or go out with me or even think about me, I wouldn't believe you. Who would have guessed?
And now it's your turn to get mad at me. Cause am a shitty friend for all I know. We haven't spoken for weeks. You told me a thousant times to call you back and I didn't. Sometimes I wanted to, but I didn't. I said I couldn't but I don't know to what extent that's true. I just had other things to do. Studying, going out, watching movies, but not calling you. And I don't even feel bad about it. I feel bad that i don't feel bad about it, though. It's really selfish, isn't it? That makes me both pretentious and selfish. Oh god, what does that even mean? I don't care about anything right now. I want to fall in love again,I need to fall in love again,but I can't. I need to feel alive. I'm afraid of myself. I want this all to be over, without knowing the ending of the story. Do I ask too much?

It's kinda weird,but in a good way.

You're so nice to me after all. I like you when you're being nice. See? All you gotta do is show me that you care,and that's enough. Even if I have no answers to your questions... My life is not that interesting anyway, and as much as you'd want me to have a boyfriend,I really doubt anything like that is going to happen in the near future. Cause right now, I don't need one. I just need you to be my lovely friend, and that will keep me from depression. Or not. You've got to like 'the singing tree' cause it's awesome. And PJ's awesome as well, and I swear to god I'll sing this to you someday. Probably by then I'll have a guitar,will know how to play,and will have finally moved in a cute,little house in England.
He said you're the cuttest creature on earth or something along those lines. I don't know if you've seen it, but yes, he did. And that's good,cause you are. And I think I just made another cheesy post, blabbering about you.

Late night blogging...

12 07 11
00.30
So, basically, I'm writting all these on the blogger app and then I post them as soon as there is internet available. My parents have been quite serious about how having wireless internet all day long can damage our health long-term speaking,AND my neighbour put a password on his network(probably just because the half the city was using it:P naaah joking,only me,only me:P),which practically means...goodbye late night tweeting and goodbye late night blogging.It's just that these last few days I've got this weird urge to blog about things.
It's pretty much obvious I've given up on the movie reviews thing. Even though I don't watch such a huge amount of movies, I can't keep up. Being on my last high school year,probably the most important one,studying doesn't leave much time for anything,sleeping,going out,let alone blogging and reviewing movies.
True blood though, well that's a different story. If you've been watching it, you probably know about the new season, season 4. Yesterday episode 3 was aired in America,so I watched it today online. And now I have to wait another week for the next episode. But I need it, and I need it now. "I know I'm a vampire, Snookie!" How epic, Eric,my man,how epic?
My stomach is literally talking right now, I swear that if I speak out loud that weird noise will answer back to me. Well f- you,you ain't gonna get anymore food ay? My head is splitting as hell.
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Tim-I listened to Yellowcard, last week I think. I don't know whether I liked it or not;3 years ago I certainly would.
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Oradon, Biller- I listened to those songs,all of them. I read your comments,it's nice to know you read all these. Thanks.
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You-Sometimes I feel like I owe you an apology. Do I? I disappeared completely, I know. I'm sorry it didn't happen the way I had imagined,or the way you wanted it to,if you ever knew what you wanted it to be,really. I loved you with all I had, I trusted you. I feel sick just by thinking how easy it was back then,when I ignored you completely and you wouldn't even accept to sit next to me on a roller coaster ride because I was "Such a fool,having second thoughts about going on that ride!" and you would gladly choose her over me and then beg me to give you my ticket to go with her somewhere else,cause she did not hesitate and therefore was more fun. I'm not blaming you,dont get me wrong; I'm not blaming anybody,I just remember this kind of things some times,and it hurts. I'm almost sure that sooner or later you'll read this and you'll understand.Happy belated birthday by the way, you know as well as I do that me and you and presents...never worked out. It's still here, and you know where to find me.
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There is a song I listened to once or twice, I'm not gonna lie, I dont remember the band and the title, I  t h i n k  it was Slipknot. And the lyrics were something like:
"You are wrong, fucked and overrated. I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault."
Might not be exactly that, but i guess you get my point. And now it's stuck on my mind and that little voice inside my head keeps saying those lines.

Ps. Patrick Wolf's signed copy of Lupercalia arrived at last! Couldn't be happier. I mean... Patrick touched it, signed it, right?
I guess that's it for now...

Everyday I tell myself that you're no longer a big part of me.

Everyday I tell myself that you're no longer a big part of me. Sometimes I really believe it, sometimes I actually think that you don't mean a god damn thing to me. Every time that thought appears I feel relieved, I feel less vulnerable, it feels like you can't affect me anymore.

I've repeated this thought so many times that I've almost made it true. At the same time it makes me so freaking scared of moving forward, cause what happens when you stop loving someone? What happens when you someday wake up and realize that this person actually doesn't mean anything to you? How can you manage to go from 1000 to 0. Cause that day will eventually come. The only thing you have left is the beautiful memories that you hopefully will carry with you your whole life. But I'm so afraid of that day coming, because I don't want it to. I don't want it to happen because I want to love. Love you.

i-want-to-love-love-you.

 Problem is,i don't exactly have those beautiful memories. Not of me, not of you, and definitely not of us.

You see this is all we need.A couple of smokes,a cup of coffee and a little bit of conversation.You and me and five bucks.

There was a time when I could still have you. In any kind of way,I could still have you. And then you built that wall between us. And I did too,but that doesn't count.
And I learnt to take joy from helping people. From helping you. And my brother started suffering. And he wrote poems. And those poems could be for you and me back then,but they can't be any more.

And now,when i watch a movie,I don't see you and me anymore. Cause that can never be,but more importantly,it never was.

And if I tell you that I hate you,it's probably because I'll always hate that part of me that loved you. And still does. You see this is all we need. A couple of smokes,a cup of coffee and a little bit of conversation. You and me and five bucks.
I wish I was Lainie and you were Troy. Or maybe not.

Can you stop this pain?

~I know it's over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
You even spoke to me and sai:
"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight?
I know...
cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes strenght to be gentle and kind~

Oh mother,I can feel the soil falling over my head.

You're a jerk,jerk,JERK,but I like the sound of your voice.

So basically,that's it. You're a jerk.

It's been so long. Not since I last saw you-for the first time I'm talking about something else. It's been so long since I had something to actually say to you. I mean the kind of thing you do when you meet friends and you say lots of different stuff? That. Doesn't. Happen. To. Me. Everytime I want to talk to you, the message list just stands there starring back at me. My mind goes blank and there is nothing in the world i have left to say to you.

Some part of me,literally wants to hurt you. Kill you perhaps. You know...you killed me first. So do me a favour and die today for just this once,since you already know i'm on my bitter days. Those days you feel that punch on the stomach and you wanna die,you plan the perfect death,but there is something missing. And on those days you love more. And hate more. And the line between the two fades,and you find yourself fighting the only person who you have ever really loved. You can almost understand the truth at those times,but you dont wanna believe it. That person does n o t care about you at all. No matter what you do.

The other part of me wants to forget you even exist. Quite harsh, I know, but trust me, we would be both so better off without all those messy situations. Your mere existence can so easily bring to my life insufferable pain. And you don't do a single thing to ease that pain.

"I could be somewhere else
I should be someone else
But you wouldn't know me if I was"

Johnny Flynn always puts my thoughts on beautiful songs. Songs you'll never listen.

another (sunny) day?

Things are getting better. And I'm not going to talk about the guy I like for the past two years and who turned out to be gay. See? It's like I never mentioned it. I'm done with crying and all, our friendship is all that matters, innit? I mean I do need this. So, seriously now, being gay is not something anybody should be ashamed of. It's your choice and you have to support it. Which doesn't mean anything like "go ahead and tell everybody you know" but you get me. Plus, parents should respect things like that. They're still their children, they can't just make their lives a living hell. They've got rights. And parents' control should have some limits.
Anyway, I'm like falling in love with two things.My so-called life,this series with Claire Danes and Jared Leto,and Belle & Sebastian. Like that song: