Prrrretty profound

Let's just start by saying that it wasn't fair for neither of us. From the moment I said I liked you, I never thought about letting go. Who thinks about that anyway? I loved you with my whole heart, I honestly did. Not from the very beginning, I only liked you back then. And I was in love. And then I started trying more, loving you more.
I don't know what love is, I don't know how it works. The only thing that I'm sure of,is that I never even stood a chance with you. You were never really my friend if you think about it. I never saw you completely the way I pretended to. Perhaps that's what I am, a pretentious human being.
You needed a friend, somebody to trust when noone was there for you, and I needed you. You as in you, in any kind of way. And I liked the fact that you trusted me, it seemed right, and it felt right to be your friend. The friend who knows your big secrets when nobody else does. If you could go back in time and tell my 15-year-old self that there would be a time that you would pick up the phone and call me, or go out with me or even think about me, I wouldn't believe you. Who would have guessed?
And now it's your turn to get mad at me. Cause am a shitty friend for all I know. We haven't spoken for weeks. You told me a thousant times to call you back and I didn't. Sometimes I wanted to, but I didn't. I said I couldn't but I don't know to what extent that's true. I just had other things to do. Studying, going out, watching movies, but not calling you. And I don't even feel bad about it. I feel bad that i don't feel bad about it, though. It's really selfish, isn't it? That makes me both pretentious and selfish. Oh god, what does that even mean? I don't care about anything right now. I want to fall in love again,I need to fall in love again,but I can't. I need to feel alive. I'm afraid of myself. I want this all to be over, without knowing the ending of the story. Do I ask too much?