Nouvelle Vague - Sweet And Tender Hooligan

Everyday I tell myself that you're no longer a big part of me.

Everyday I tell myself that you're no longer a big part of me. Sometimes I really believe it, sometimes I actually think that you don't mean a god damn thing to me. Every time that thought appears I feel relieved, I feel less vulnerable, it feels like you can't affect me anymore.

I've repeated this thought so many times that I've almost made it true. At the same time it makes me so freaking scared of moving forward, cause what happens when you stop loving someone? What happens when you someday wake up and realize that this person actually doesn't mean anything to you? How can you manage to go from 1000 to 0. Cause that day will eventually come. The only thing you have left is the beautiful memories that you hopefully will carry with you your whole life. But I'm so afraid of that day coming, because I don't want it to. I don't want it to happen because I want to love. Love you.

i-want-to-love-love-you.

 Problem is,i don't exactly have those beautiful memories. Not of me, not of you, and definitely not of us.

Johnny Flynn and Laura Marling - The Water

You see this is all we need.A couple of smokes,a cup of coffee and a little bit of conversation.You and me and five bucks.

There was a time when I could still have you. In any kind of way,I could still have you. And then you built that wall between us. And I did too,but that doesn't count.
And I learnt to take joy from helping people. From helping you. And my brother started suffering. And he wrote poems. And those poems could be for you and me back then,but they can't be any more.

And now,when i watch a movie,I don't see you and me anymore. Cause that can never be,but more importantly,it never was.

And if I tell you that I hate you,it's probably because I'll always hate that part of me that loved you. And still does. You see this is all we need. A couple of smokes,a cup of coffee and a little bit of conversation. You and me and five bucks.
I wish I was Lainie and you were Troy. Or maybe not.

Can you stop this pain?

~I know it's over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
You even spoke to me and sai:
"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight?
I know...
cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes strenght to be gentle and kind~

Oh mother,I can feel the soil falling over my head.

You're a jerk,jerk,JERK,but I like the sound of your voice.

So basically,that's it. You're a jerk.

It's been so long. Not since I last saw you-for the first time I'm talking about something else. It's been so long since I had something to actually say to you. I mean the kind of thing you do when you meet friends and you say lots of different stuff? That. Doesn't. Happen. To. Me. Everytime I want to talk to you, the message list just stands there starring back at me. My mind goes blank and there is nothing in the world i have left to say to you.

Some part of me,literally wants to hurt you. Kill you perhaps. You know...you killed me first. So do me a favour and die today for just this once,since you already know i'm on my bitter days. Those days you feel that punch on the stomach and you wanna die,you plan the perfect death,but there is something missing. And on those days you love more. And hate more. And the line between the two fades,and you find yourself fighting the only person who you have ever really loved. You can almost understand the truth at those times,but you dont wanna believe it. That person does n o t care about you at all. No matter what you do.

The other part of me wants to forget you even exist. Quite harsh, I know, but trust me, we would be both so better off without all those messy situations. Your mere existence can so easily bring to my life insufferable pain. And you don't do a single thing to ease that pain.

"I could be somewhere else
I should be someone else
But you wouldn't know me if I was"

Johnny Flynn always puts my thoughts on beautiful songs. Songs you'll never listen.

Hello and then goodbye cruel world!

Felt like saying hello:P Nothing's new,and I'm just really r-e-a-l-l-y tired. I haven't done a review for ages!All I feel like is sleeping. And uploading music. Which brings me,fellow readers(yeah sure,nobody reads my stuff!:P), to the point I start complaining about youtube. I've been trying to upload some songs from Metronomy's new album "The english riviera" cause I found it amazing,but ummm youtube,or at least the recording label,keeps blocking my videos. The album came out like a month ago,but still,there are other people with some of those tracks on youtube as well. Where's the difference? Plus, I tried uploading other stuff too,like that video from Poirot's live at Passport and the sound goes off.Naaah,fuck you youtube.

Goodbye cruel world.If you never see me again,it's because "you're so beautiful it hurts to look at you."
No time for explanations.I should have said it earlier.

It's impressive how confusing things can be in my head.

It's impressive how confusing things can be in my head. I just spent three days in Meteora with my family for the easter holidays. It was pretty awesome,the place and all i mean. It was cool,really. But my sister has made my life a living hell. She's like trying to convince me she has absolutely no love for me in her. It must be some kind of jealousy about "sharing" our mum,but even if she's five years old she is able to understand that what she does is just not right. And again. People confuse me. People say the dont care   a t   a l l   and still ask your opinion. Well why ask me if you dont care? Go ask someone else whose opinion matters. Or just admit you care even *that* little. People really confuse me. My friends fall in love with each other,and its either bad timing and heartbreaks or total love. Oh,and i forgot to mention that I'm the one that learns about all this at the end. Just when i see it with my own eyes and they can't hide it anymore. Meanwhile,people do trust me with all kinds of secrets. Secrets about everything,secrets that most people know or -even better- secrets that im the first person   e v e r   to tell. Even if its not something really bad or weird or anything,i still get all the burden. I mean,of course,they didn't kill anybody,but still they had the burden and they talked to me about it so i got all the burden. And im supposed to act as if nothing happened,as if none of it matters to me. I just dont get it. Do you?

day 314

I don't have much to say really. I missed one 3day trip with my class cause I wanted so bad to have these few days off,and I had 'em. Thing is,I got my asthma once again,so I mainly stayed in. I had like SO MANY plans for these two days. However I made it to the cinema-hooray! Watched Hanna and decided from the start that it's one of the best films I have EVER watched. It was SO incredibly great. In every possible way. I can't explain really why I fell so madly in love with it,but I did. And I was not supposed to be talking about this film today,but since I started...
Hanna (Saoirse Ronan) is a teenage girl. Uniquely, she has the strength, the stamina, and the smarts of a soldier; these come from being raised by her father (Eric Bana), an ex-CIA man, in the wilds of Finland. Living a life unlike any other teenager, her upbringing and training have been one and the same, all geared to making her the perfect assassin. The turning point in her adolescence is a sharp one; sent into the world by her father on a mission, Hanna journeys stealthily across Europe while eluding agents dispatched after her by a ruthless intelligence operative with secrets of her own (Cate Blanchett). As she nears her ultimate target, Hanna faces startling revelations about her existence and unexpected questions about her humanity.
Where do I start off? Storyline? Direction? Soundtrack? Screenplay? It just all comes out great. It is beautiful. Can't say it in any other way. You are watching people getting murdered indeed, but the music used for the soundtrack transforms each scene into a masterpiece. I do not exaggerate. But I am getting obsesed over the movie,and the Chemical Brothers-who would have guessed? Their music just fits right. Also wanted to point out that Ronan's performance was absolutely stunning. She acted better than in any other movie.She's great in Atonement,City of ember and Lovely bones,but this one? This is waaay better than any of those.

As I said in the beginning I intended to blog about another movie.So fyi this is #462 but I'll have to come back to #475...

day 318

Ok, I've seriously lost any touch with reality. I don't understand how can time pass so quickly. Every day is like hell most of the times,so it generally keeps dragging on forever. However, it's over two weeks now that have passed just like that! I mean is it April? I thought it was still Feb or something. I even write --/02/11 on the date. And sometimes i write --/02/10.  It's quite weird I must admit. It's like I've missed a year of my life or that I've lost me somewhere in between.
People do keep calling me weird. I'm almost always saying exactly what I'm thinking,without being too excessive of course. But they do call me weird and stuff, and still noone has told them that's what's weird indeed. :P

#476 Running with scissors
Most people I know like this movie. It's a story of how a boy was abandoned by his mother and how he, later, abandoned her. The year he'll be 14, the parents of Augusten Burroughs (1965- ) divorce, and his mother, who thinks of herself as a fine poet on the verge of fame, delivers him to the eccentric household of her psychiatrist, Dr. Finch. During that year, Augusten avoids school, keeps a journal, and practices cosmetology. His mother's mental illness worsens, he takes an older lover, he finds friendship with Finch's younger daughter, and he's the occasional recipient of gifts from an unlikely benefactor. Can he survive to come of age?(imdb)
First thing to say:I wouldn't say that was a comedy. Has some funny scenes but I believe they're there to drag on the dramatic tone of the movie and show how tragic life can be. Clearly drama for me. Truth be told, I didn't get that enthusiastic about it. It was interesting, as I like everything that has to do with mental illnesses and human mind. However,the movie wasn't that good in all its length. There where scenes kinda pointless, and some really great ones. I can't choose a favourite character, it would be most likely to choose Augusten's mum,Deirdre Burroughs(Annette Bening). She was meant to be weird and egoistic,and she did it! Augusten(Joseph Cross) was kinda neutral for my taste, but Finch's younger daughter, Natalie(Evan Rachel Wood), was far more interesting. Maybe it's just me, cause I like her in general(Thirteen,True Blood,etc). Even Gwyneth Paltrow's role as Finch's older daughter was way too macabre and sick(which I'm not going to explain,cause you have to see it for yourself:P).Agnes Finch is the most amazing of them all, when it comes to evolving the character...So I've got pretty mixed up whether I liked the film or not...not very useful, innit?

See?This could be very well be a funny clip,but the emptiness of it can only make me think about how much trouble there is in their heads/hearts/whatever.
"Hope: You know Natalie, youre so oral, you'll never get to anal
Natalie: And youll never get a dick in your dried up cunt, you old maid!"
Don't we just love Natalie?

My so-called life - Blister in the sun

I think that pretty much sums up "me" today. I'm in love with the song. And I'm dancing to it,though I never dance. And I love Claire Danes and Jordan Catalano. I just like how he's always leaning. Against stuff. He leans great. I'll come back to this. Sure I will.