But you never asked me to stay...

so why now?

There's nothing here but thats okay

"What's up" and other questions of that kind, are not exactly rhetorical. People expect you to answer what you've been up to or something. And it's those questions that are so hard to answer lately. Seriously, everyone I've seen the last week asks me the same damn thing. I've started going for "Well not much. My life is so shitty and miserable that I have absolutely nothing new to say to you." There's been a conversation with a friend of mine where she said things that happened to her and things she wished had happened and she talked about boys that say too much or say too little and generally the bullshit guys or even friends do that can cause your everyday life crisis. And guess what I talked about? What happened half a year ago, or two years ago, or about that guy that I really liked three fucking years ago that I saw on the street and he didn't even recognise me and I was really mad about it. Not mad-MAD, but mad-confused. And anyway, that's pathetic. It's so hard having nothing to say about the past few months of your life because nothing interesting happened. I wished I had at least some silly thing a guy said to me to talk about. Another time, while talking to another friend, I found out that going to the avant premiere of Moonrise Kingdom was the highlight of the week. Scratch that. Of the month.
Also, friends seem to be interested in what happened with F. They ask about it, where he's been, if we've talked. And the answer is no, the past two months, since the Easter holidays that is, I haven't heard of him. We went out to the cinema(you already know that of course), I asked sadly "Is this the last time I'll ever see you?", he answered "No, I'm not leaving till September, we'll see each other again till then", I answered "Good, I hope I'm here till then" and I left. And since then I play the apathetic bitch that doesn't give a shit, I haven't called, haven't texted, and he has absolutely disappeared. "Classic F, he's an ass" say my friends. He's probably the reason of my nothingness right now, cause even if he's an ass, I have something to think about. That said, today, I woke up, and saw the "Yo, wassup" classic ass F message. And I switched off my phone cause I didn't know what to do.
Today is graduation day. It's pretty scary because the whole class is going to go to a club afterwards, cause it's our last day with our classmates they say. And I haven't bonded at all with my classmates and I don't like the music clubs have, but I'll probably go and drink and be alone, just for the sake of going out. And that's scaryyy.
Slowdive is a thing I listen to quite a lot right now.
Tim, I know what you mean when you talk about friends' love. But it's not enough at this particular moment. I go out and I don't have as much fun as I used to have, I do it just for the sake of it. The reason of this all is me, obviously, cause if I feel pathetic and miserable and sad I can't go happy and interesting for others to see, so when I talk, I feel like I'm destroying the mood of everyone, the happy atmosphere. And I'm not going to do anything stupid, I promise.
Since school is over, I say "Seize the day!" and go crazy. Yeah right, if that's an option. Look how far I've come: I went out yesterday morning and yesterday afternoon and yesterday evening. I slept at 1am which is supposed to be late. I sat down in the middle of the school yard(is that even what it's called?) when no one else did. I danced while going up the stairs of a big shop. I went to an amusement park with M. I baked muffins. I'm going to Tinos on 25/06 for a week only with M. We're going to watch movies and play sims all week(really seizing the day obviously) and cook food(well that's hardcore). I'm going to see Morrissey live on 16/07. That's it. See? It's what I should normally do, it's not seizing-the-day things. GOD. I hate this.
Anyway. I'm out. I have to study for that art lesson. I'm fine. I'll be fine.

What if I wanted to break?

First things first. I opened this tab listening to The kill by 30 seconds to mars. Then The model by Belle & Sebastian. And now You always hurt the one you love sang by Ryan Gosling. Oh wait. Now it's Total eclipse of the heart. Why do you do this to me. That's not a normal sequence of songs, even if it's on shuffle right? I've got to stop listening to this. Ok... Joys of losing weight, the untitled series by Zach Condon. There we go. Fine. Everything's fine.

Have you ever felt that you're losing yourself? Like, seriously, that you don't know who you are anymore and that you don't know why you think about the things you think about and why you say the things you say? That you honestly don't know where you stand and where exactly you wanna be? You possibly have. But that's exactly where I am and it sucks.

Untitled 9 is particularly nice on the other hand. Just saying.

On the past few days, I've been sick, I've been anxious, worried, sick again, I've studied, I've cried, I've tried. And it's been so exhausting. I've watched too much Grey's Anatomy when I should be studying. I've studied when I should be sleeping. I've thought about death and I've wanted to die more times in just one day than I have all my life. The best reason for me not to commit suicide that came up to my mind was that my parents would be devastated -apart from the part that I would probably chicken out. And then mum shouted at me for no reason and that reason, the only reason, was gone. Why did I keep trying? To shut her up. To shut everyone up. To prove that I can do this, that I can do whatever the hell I want, that I can do this for myself. But... seriously? I can't even think of a decent way to die! We live on the sixth floor, the window option seemed extremely appealing, but it wasn't that certain that I would die.

Anyway. Thing is I didn't do it. I forced myself to study and I did pretty well on those exams. Tomorrow it's Physics though, so it's pretty tough. It's almost 10 pm so there's nothing much I can do now right? Fuck. I'll come up with a plan later.

I've watched way too much Grey's Anatomy. I'm almost speaking in medical terms, I've stopped putting my hand in front of the screen every time they get into the O.R. Like every other series or movies or songs, it makes you realise things about your own life, about your friends or about yourself if you just let it. So it does. All the time. And I've realised that I don't wanna be a watcher, I wanna be a doer. I'm not even a watcher, I am nothing. I am the nothing that watches the watcher watching the doer. And that's bad. That's real bad. I wanna do stuff, I wanna say stuff, I can't stand this as it is. But truth is, I can't think of any possible way to change. Maybe that's why I am nothing anyway. Are you a watcher or a doer?

Realising that I may have spent all those years being in love not with an actual person but with the idea that I've created for that person, is scary. It's terrifying. Because I really wanted to be honest, but when you look back from afar, you realise that nothing was the way you thought it was and you think that either you've gone crazy and you don't know what you're talking about, or you actually never knew what was going on. You, or -well- your subconscious, chose to believe what was best for you to believe, and that wasn't really close to the truth. Sad and miserable, I know.

An other question that has risen recently was if I would do all over again what I did before to get close to any guy I'll ever like. No. Definitely no. It's too much of a risk, and it turns out, nothing comes out of it.

Grandma got me this gift, this plant, Schlumbergera truncata as I just now learnt that it's called. Its greek name is Patience. I think it's cute.


I just need something, anything, to change.


I'd like to be the unselfish one, but perhaps I'm the most selfish of them all. And I hate it.


Can this just be over real soon?

Καλημέρα.

Είναι νύχτα, λίγο πριν τα μεσάνυχτα. Σε 115 μέρες φεύγω. Γιατί θα φύγω, θα τα καταφέρω. Βαρέθηκα. Σε δυο βδομάδες από τώρα θα δίνω το δεύτερο μάθημα Πανελληνίων. Υπέροχα. Βιολογία. Δε θυμάμαι τίποτα. "Έλα μωρέ τα ξέρεις, τα έχεις διαβάσει όλη τη χρονιά". Δε διαβάζω, δε μπορώ να διαβάσω. Θέλω, αλλά δε μπορώ. Δε θυμάμαι από πότε έχω να διαβάσω κανονικά. Κάπου στην τρίτη γυμνασίου ξεκίνησε αυτό. Διαβάζω βιαστικά, άτσαλα, η προσοχή αλλού, κανονικά. Στα διαγωνίσματα εντάξει, άλλη ιστορία. Σε λιγότερο από δυο βδομάδες δίνω, και ενώ όλοι είναι αγχωμένοι για το αν θα τα προλάβουν, εμένα σχεδόν δε μου καίγεται καρφάκι. Και από επανάληψη λίγα. Ξες πόσες ταινίες και σειρές είδα τις τελευταίες μέρες; Άλλο πράγμα. Και όμως, ξέρω τι θέλω να κάνω στη ριμάδα τη ζωή μου. Τι να σπουδάσω, που να ζήσω, τα έχω βρει όλα. Και θα 'πρεπε να κάνω τα πάντα για να τα πετύχω, αλλά δε μπορώ. Λένε πως δεν υπάρχει δε μπορώ, υπάρχει δε θέλω. Να όμως που ξεκινάω την κάθε μέρα λέγοντας πως "Να! Σήμερα θα διαβάσω, γιατί αν παίρνω 18 με αυτή την προσπάθεια, φαντάσου να διαβάσω κιόλας. Και στο κάτω κάτω τι έμεινε; Δυο βδομαδούλες και αυτές κουτσουρεμένες. Θα διαβάσω, σιγά το πράγμα." Και καταλήγω πάντα να νιώθω μάταια πρωταγωνίστρια της ίδιας μου της ζωής, το άθλιο υποκείμενο που δε μπορεί να θυσιάσει την ταινία του και το ιντερνέτ του για δυο βδομάδες. Σκατά. Είναι βράδυ και μπορώ να πω με σιγουριά πως σήμερα μόνο έχω δει ενα 45 λεπτο επισόδειο από μία σειρά, έχω μιλήσει μία καθαρή ώρα στο τηλέφωνο, έχω καθίσει γύρω στη μιάμιση ώρα στις ειδήσεις, και γυρω στο πεντάωρο στο γιουτιουμπ. Ξύπνησα στις 7 και έχω κάνει 2 ασκήσεις μαθηματικών, 1.30 ώρα μάθημα και 3 ασκήσεις φυσικής. Το μόνο που μπορώ να σκεφτώ είναι το πως και που και πότε θα κάνουμε εκείνο το πάρτυ που μελετάμε από καιρό. Χαστουκίστε με.

Αν όλα πάνε καλά, σε 115 μέρες θα φύγω. Δεν ξέρω πλέον γιατί ήθελα τόσο πολύ να φύγω εξ αρχής, αλλά μετά θυμάμαι πως σίγουρα δε θέλω να μείνω. Θέλω απλά να βρεθώ σε ένα μέρος που να μη με ξέρει κανείς, και να στήσω εκεί τη ζωή μου. Μια καινούρια ζωή. Με καινούριους ανθρώπους. Όμως ό,τι ζούμε μας ακολουθεί παντού, σωστά; Και γω εκεί θα είμαι το ίδιο μίζερη και μισάνθρωπη όπως εδώ. Βλακεία. Θέλω να είμαι ο άνθρωπος που έχει διάθεση για ζωή, όχι που φαντάζεται που και που πως θα ήταν ο κόσμος αν είχε πεθάνει. Ή αν δεν είχε γεννηθεί ποτέ, να ξεμπερδεύουμε μια και καλή. Θέλω να μάθω πολλά, να έχω όρεξη να μάθω, να θέλω να ξυπνάω το πρωί και να είμαι χαρούμενη- το ευτυχισμένη φαντάζει βαρύ.
Θέλω αυτές οι 115 μέρες να περάσουν γρήγορα, να μην πάω διακοπές και να μην έχω τίποτα απογοητευτικό να θυμάμαι από το μεγαλύτερο καλοκαίρι της ζωής μου.
Ζεσταίνομαι.
Θα 'πρεπε να νυστάζω. Ή να κοιμάμαι.
Καληνύχτα.

1am ~ Sunday night and Monday morning

Things didn't go as bad as planned. His bf and his friend cancelled on us really late, and he still wanted to go to a movie, so Myl Myl came along and everything was great. I‘m surprised at how big my emotional state change was when I found that his friends weren't coming. I went from stressed to excited, from sad to a little less sad. I was obviously incredibly worried about what impression I would make to them, since it was my first time meating them and they were his friends. So when they cancelled i had to worry no more. And it felt good.
I don't want to sound mean but I think it was for the best. We talked a little, I even held his hand at the frightening scenes, and we were like friends again. And when I had finally decided that both my feelings for him AND our friendship were over for good, he just stands there in person and he‘s so nice, even if he did nothing extremely nice in particular. And he turns everything upside down, but in a good way. (I have to say that Myl says he was an asshole the whole time but he wasn't that bad, I guess. Or I was too damn excited to notice.)
The weirdest moment is of course when he comments that I don't come close enough when he says hi because I‘m afraid he's going to kiss me. My social awkwardness is a fact, and what's worse than a kiss on both cheeks. But that's not the case for him, is it? I'm just afraid that if I go close enough, I won't be able to hold back, you know? And I'm not in a position to be able to risk it. And that's exactly what I was thinking throught the movie, as he sat by my side. Am I ever going to be able to risk it? Cause I wanted to kiss him so bad, but there is no more time. (Remember that tiny drunk story? That was the hardest time of all, hands down.)
But then I remember that scene with Maxxie and Sketch from Skins and I feel devastated.
Goodnight.

I forgot to mention I got a side blog that noone knows about. Shhhh.

Oh wait there‘s more.

Add to that pile of misery that his new bf is coming too. This is going to be FUN. #not

YOU

Screw that. You know what's even more disappointing than not picking up the phone? Picking it up. Cause out of nowhere, you end up hearing things you wish you had not. You said you weren't coming back, and since it was a lie, I asked you why and I expected a satisfying answer. You said you were bored. Bored of what? Of talking to me? Of your life? Bored of what? You said you wanted to get on my nerves, to have a laugh. Have a laugh at me? I explained again how much it broke my heart hearing that you left and that you were not coming back. It's not something to make fun of, it's so important to me. I asked you to at least pretend that you're happy to hear me, and the only thing you had to say was what? That I knew you weren't sentimental on that kind of subjects. Oh come on! Spare me the details I know. I'm not the kind of girl that says one thing and means another, I said it right there and then, that I wanted you to just say that you were that tiny bit happier than before that you were talking to me. We haven't spoken in such a long time and -bear with me here- I was such a good friend to you; I can't imagine anything more I could have done to either be there for you or to help you, it was always about you you know, I'm asking you to show some gratitude, just for once, because I deserve at least, and it's the only thing I'm sure of right now. And then what? You said you're not talking much on the phone, you prefer to talk in person. (Well,this is a new one, careful how to use it.) I asked you to hang out with me (not as in go out with me but you know, catch a movie, talk a bit) and you asked if we were going to be alone? Of course we're going to be alone, I haven't seen you in months, we've fought a lot, I can't bring you to my friends as a friend anymore, I don't even know how to talk to you anymore. Are you afraid of me? What can I do to you? We're not even talking when we're with my friends anyway! I'm not talking with my friends about "their stuff" cause it's their stuff, and we're not talking about "your stuff" cause a)it's your stuff b)you've complained millions of times how you're not a talky person when you go out. So that leaves me with no options. You don't talk to me on the phone. You don't wanna go out with me alone. You can't talk to me in front of my friends. We're never going out with your friends. When we do, we go out with your boyfriends, so we don't talk then either. You said last time we went out we talked. And yes, before or after your boyfriend left? Oh yes after. Let me see... we talked about going to Canada, and we talked about wanting to be pilot, and we talked about how I'm going to build your house when I become an architect. Oops, sorry, does that count? Because that was when I was babbling alone when you were talking with your boyfriend(ten minutes after he left) about what he's going to wear for that party he was going to. Yes he was just the sweetest person in the world, I know. And yes I have a pretty good memory cause that was around Christmas. I know, you don't remember a thing, right? Yeeeah.
How much worse can it get?
Oh please. We found the solution! He'll bring that girl from school that also knows about him being gay and accepts him for who he is. (Yes, because you know, I don't accept it, and I'm pretending to be cool about it.) And who knows everything, as you do not forget to point out. Like everything, everything, as you continue pointing out. (Everything more than me right? That's why you're saying like that?) Of course she knows more than you, I see her everyday, I see her at school and me and you haven't talked in ages. (And whose fault was that? Did you ever try to talk to me, and I was not there?) And she'd like to meet you, cause I've told her about you too. Yes, I'd love that, she sounds so lovely and I think I like her already. NO. Just no. Not even in a parallel universe. Why would I want to know her? I'm ok with your bfs and everything, I don't wanna know a random girl that you so openly say you trust more than me, and hang out with her the only night I have off in more than two weeks. Just no.
Of course I said yes at last. And I'm so ashamed of myself for getting into this again. And for writing down, cause it makes me sound like a jealous bitch, but you know what? Maybe I am. I thought our friendship was special, we both had something to look for in each other, we both trusted each other with important things, I honestly wanted to believe I was the one you wanted to talk to when you felt lonely, I thought I was the only one who could see the real you, I thought that you respected me and that you valued our friendship above everything else, I thought that you could see me too for who I am, when you obviously did not. And I'm tired of this, I'm fed up with you and your silly lies and excuses, I just wish you couldn't hurt me you bastard. I may be a selfish bitch, but who are you to hurt me like that.
I wish you had not come back because then at least you wouldn't add one more scar to my life and I would have truly let go.
Thanks for ruining my day and my week and my year and who knows? Maybe my life.

EXTREMELY DEPRESSED

Exams. Or not.

Chemistry exam tomorrow. I mean come on I can do this, I can't screw this up TOO. Right? And here I am, at 19:00, having studied 4hours all day, having watched two and a half movies since morning. I'm lame I know. I mean I want to stop but I've got that urge to be on the internet. Even when my head hurt so much like it was going to explode, even then, I kept being on my computer. What's wrong with me?
Tim I'm so glad you got the letters. I showed your book today to a teacher of mine and I saw the date on it and felt awful. But you got them, so everything's fine. I just hope I'm not writing too much, cause whenever I feel like talking, I write to you. So yeah, that can be a lot. :)
Did I mention he‘s coming back? I did? He is coming back! God. He‘s probably here already but still. And by the way, not picking up the phone is not a good sign.
So to anyone who reads this and talks to me in real life, I'm leaving facebook and every other social networking site until I manage to study. I can't afford failing Panelladikes, not now. So call me or text me if you want to contact me, even though i know you probably won't, because noone talks to me lately either way.
Going to do some homework now. Wish me luck.

Ps. Look at where i was for 3days during the easter holidays. Isn't it just really nice?

He‘s coming back.