1am ~ Sunday night and Monday morning

Things didn't go as bad as planned. His bf and his friend cancelled on us really late, and he still wanted to go to a movie, so Myl Myl came along and everything was great. I‘m surprised at how big my emotional state change was when I found that his friends weren't coming. I went from stressed to excited, from sad to a little less sad. I was obviously incredibly worried about what impression I would make to them, since it was my first time meating them and they were his friends. So when they cancelled i had to worry no more. And it felt good.
I don't want to sound mean but I think it was for the best. We talked a little, I even held his hand at the frightening scenes, and we were like friends again. And when I had finally decided that both my feelings for him AND our friendship were over for good, he just stands there in person and he‘s so nice, even if he did nothing extremely nice in particular. And he turns everything upside down, but in a good way. (I have to say that Myl says he was an asshole the whole time but he wasn't that bad, I guess. Or I was too damn excited to notice.)
The weirdest moment is of course when he comments that I don't come close enough when he says hi because I‘m afraid he's going to kiss me. My social awkwardness is a fact, and what's worse than a kiss on both cheeks. But that's not the case for him, is it? I'm just afraid that if I go close enough, I won't be able to hold back, you know? And I'm not in a position to be able to risk it. And that's exactly what I was thinking throught the movie, as he sat by my side. Am I ever going to be able to risk it? Cause I wanted to kiss him so bad, but there is no more time. (Remember that tiny drunk story? That was the hardest time of all, hands down.)
But then I remember that scene with Maxxie and Sketch from Skins and I feel devastated.
Goodnight.

I forgot to mention I got a side blog that noone knows about. Shhhh.

Oh wait there‘s more.

Add to that pile of misery that his new bf is coming too. This is going to be FUN. #not

YOU

Screw that. You know what's even more disappointing than not picking up the phone? Picking it up. Cause out of nowhere, you end up hearing things you wish you had not. You said you weren't coming back, and since it was a lie, I asked you why and I expected a satisfying answer. You said you were bored. Bored of what? Of talking to me? Of your life? Bored of what? You said you wanted to get on my nerves, to have a laugh. Have a laugh at me? I explained again how much it broke my heart hearing that you left and that you were not coming back. It's not something to make fun of, it's so important to me. I asked you to at least pretend that you're happy to hear me, and the only thing you had to say was what? That I knew you weren't sentimental on that kind of subjects. Oh come on! Spare me the details I know. I'm not the kind of girl that says one thing and means another, I said it right there and then, that I wanted you to just say that you were that tiny bit happier than before that you were talking to me. We haven't spoken in such a long time and -bear with me here- I was such a good friend to you; I can't imagine anything more I could have done to either be there for you or to help you, it was always about you you know, I'm asking you to show some gratitude, just for once, because I deserve at least, and it's the only thing I'm sure of right now. And then what? You said you're not talking much on the phone, you prefer to talk in person. (Well,this is a new one, careful how to use it.) I asked you to hang out with me (not as in go out with me but you know, catch a movie, talk a bit) and you asked if we were going to be alone? Of course we're going to be alone, I haven't seen you in months, we've fought a lot, I can't bring you to my friends as a friend anymore, I don't even know how to talk to you anymore. Are you afraid of me? What can I do to you? We're not even talking when we're with my friends anyway! I'm not talking with my friends about "their stuff" cause it's their stuff, and we're not talking about "your stuff" cause a)it's your stuff b)you've complained millions of times how you're not a talky person when you go out. So that leaves me with no options. You don't talk to me on the phone. You don't wanna go out with me alone. You can't talk to me in front of my friends. We're never going out with your friends. When we do, we go out with your boyfriends, so we don't talk then either. You said last time we went out we talked. And yes, before or after your boyfriend left? Oh yes after. Let me see... we talked about going to Canada, and we talked about wanting to be pilot, and we talked about how I'm going to build your house when I become an architect. Oops, sorry, does that count? Because that was when I was babbling alone when you were talking with your boyfriend(ten minutes after he left) about what he's going to wear for that party he was going to. Yes he was just the sweetest person in the world, I know. And yes I have a pretty good memory cause that was around Christmas. I know, you don't remember a thing, right? Yeeeah.
How much worse can it get?
Oh please. We found the solution! He'll bring that girl from school that also knows about him being gay and accepts him for who he is. (Yes, because you know, I don't accept it, and I'm pretending to be cool about it.) And who knows everything, as you do not forget to point out. Like everything, everything, as you continue pointing out. (Everything more than me right? That's why you're saying like that?) Of course she knows more than you, I see her everyday, I see her at school and me and you haven't talked in ages. (And whose fault was that? Did you ever try to talk to me, and I was not there?) And she'd like to meet you, cause I've told her about you too. Yes, I'd love that, she sounds so lovely and I think I like her already. NO. Just no. Not even in a parallel universe. Why would I want to know her? I'm ok with your bfs and everything, I don't wanna know a random girl that you so openly say you trust more than me, and hang out with her the only night I have off in more than two weeks. Just no.
Of course I said yes at last. And I'm so ashamed of myself for getting into this again. And for writing down, cause it makes me sound like a jealous bitch, but you know what? Maybe I am. I thought our friendship was special, we both had something to look for in each other, we both trusted each other with important things, I honestly wanted to believe I was the one you wanted to talk to when you felt lonely, I thought I was the only one who could see the real you, I thought that you respected me and that you valued our friendship above everything else, I thought that you could see me too for who I am, when you obviously did not. And I'm tired of this, I'm fed up with you and your silly lies and excuses, I just wish you couldn't hurt me you bastard. I may be a selfish bitch, but who are you to hurt me like that.
I wish you had not come back because then at least you wouldn't add one more scar to my life and I would have truly let go.
Thanks for ruining my day and my week and my year and who knows? Maybe my life.

EXTREMELY DEPRESSED

Exams. Or not.

Chemistry exam tomorrow. I mean come on I can do this, I can't screw this up TOO. Right? And here I am, at 19:00, having studied 4hours all day, having watched two and a half movies since morning. I'm lame I know. I mean I want to stop but I've got that urge to be on the internet. Even when my head hurt so much like it was going to explode, even then, I kept being on my computer. What's wrong with me?
Tim I'm so glad you got the letters. I showed your book today to a teacher of mine and I saw the date on it and felt awful. But you got them, so everything's fine. I just hope I'm not writing too much, cause whenever I feel like talking, I write to you. So yeah, that can be a lot. :)
Did I mention he‘s coming back? I did? He is coming back! God. He‘s probably here already but still. And by the way, not picking up the phone is not a good sign.
So to anyone who reads this and talks to me in real life, I'm leaving facebook and every other social networking site until I manage to study. I can't afford failing Panelladikes, not now. So call me or text me if you want to contact me, even though i know you probably won't, because noone talks to me lately either way.
Going to do some homework now. Wish me luck.

Ps. Look at where i was for 3days during the easter holidays. Isn't it just really nice?

He‘s coming back.

05/04/12

I will never see you again.

I. Will. Never. See. You. Again.

You didn't even care to let me know. Or was it you on the phone yesterday? Why did you use a fake name?

I would leave soon anyway, and I wanted you to go too, but I just had to know it- you had to give me 10' before you left to prepare myself for this and let go.

Now I realise that I probably misunderstood the fact that you wouldn't talk to me after that fight. You wanted it to be easy, you didn't want anyone to care, and us being close wouldn't allow that. But even like this, you had to let me know.

The past few days I've been meaning to call you. If only I actually had.

I'm still shaking all over. I cried a little. "Girl on the Sporting News" sounds like heaven. I'm going to ask you why.

From now on, for the first time in my life, I really don't know were we stand. We don't exist.

I don't exist.

People seem trivial into a world of nothingness. They keep going on with their lives, I can see them from my window. I feel so much and they feel so little. They don't know.

Today at school we read a poem about someone who would never come back. He had your name, no kidding. How ironic.

Yesterday I admitted I didn't like you anymore that way.

Three days ago, I cut off that wool bracelet I had been wearing for one year and a month, signifying our new friendship. I almost let you go. When you asked I didn't tell you what that bracelet meant. It was wrapped three times around my hand because when I made it, we had been friends again for three months.

I should have known there was something going on.

MEDIOCRE

OPTIMISTIC, BUT REALISTIC

EXTREMELY DEPRESSED

INCREDIBLY ALONE

Why postal service in Greece disappoints me.

Remember how I wanted a penpal? Well, now I have one. And I've been trying to send a letter since, well, January. The thing is, I don't know how many stamps I have to use, so I have to go to the post office and ask, at least for the first letter. Well picture this. The post office is around 30' away from my house if you happen to walk pretty fast. When you get there, all you have to do is take a ticket with a number on it and wait for your turn. I've been there around three times now, and it's a complete disappointment. The minimum estimated waiting time is always around 50'-60' which is a lot. Especially when i have a class to attend afterwards in less than 45'. And that's on Friday, the only day that I actually have some free time during work hours.
Hell. I'm like 3 months late now, well done me.
And as if that wasn't enough just yet, a man working there killed a woman also working there. (Yes as you can see, I know lots about what happened. Yes, I know.) I mean like, while other people where there, working. He just shot her because she dumped him. And he was all like "Let's kill her when I see her at work!" Bollocks.
I was supposed to go try send the letters that day, but thank god I didn't. Who knew. Now mum gets crazy and doesn't let me go there or something. She says I should go buy stamps from somewhere else and put lots of them on the letter, so it won't be less than what it costs, it will be more, but it will be sent.
I don't know.
I'll try.